Make these 8 vows to yourself today

When we get married, we make a lot of promises to our beloved - to ‘love and to cherish, in sickness and in heath, for as long as you both shall live’.

But what promises do we make to ourselves when we get married?

When we go through patches where the day-to-day grind becomes a struggle, and our batteries become burnt out and empty, our general happiness tends to disintegrate - along with the quality of our social interactions.

And as a result, our marriage suffers.

We fall into a trap where all we think about is the negative. All we notice is the negative. Our conversations become more negative. Our self-views become more negative.

We lose the ability to give, because we have nothing to give.

But are we to always rely on our spouses to pick us up when we fall down? Perhaps, if we lived in a Disney-world.

But the reality is, as much as we need our spouse’s support, sometimes we need to take responsibility for restoring our own happiness and wellbeing. Especially when you are going through a difficult time in your marriage.

It’s time to make a change - starting with making some promises to yourself. Promises to accept responsibility for taking care of YOU in your marriage so you will continue to age with confidence and happiness by your spouse's side.

You deserve to be loved and you deserve to be happy.

Make these 8 marriage vows to yourself today, and start seeing immediate positive changes in your mood, health, and marital satisfaction.

1. I promise to love myself

Right now, you need to start loving yourself. Loving and accepting yourself for all that you are.

Chances are, you have been viewing yourself far too negatively lately. Sure, there may be some areas you want to improve on – we all have these. But if you don’t love who you are as a person, how can you expect your spouse to love you?

It’s time to remind yourself of all of your great qualities and features. Try writing these down, and repeating them to yourself once every day.

Remember, you deserved to be loved and this has to start with you.

2. I promise to be happy

Pay attention to the things that make you happy in life.

When you are in a negative frame of mind, you tend to only notice the negatives, while missing all of the positives that are happening around you.

Try to break this habit by actively making yourself acknowledge and take in the positives. For example, the compliment you received at work, the warm sun outside, the nice text you received from a friend.

Another trick is to force yourself to smile, even if you’re not really feeling like it. Smiling, even if it is not genuine to begin with, will trigger automatic responses in your brain telling you that you are happy – which can actually have a significant impact on your mood.

3. I promise to keep up the things I enjoy

Think back to the person you were when you met your spouse. What were your interests? What made you happy? What made you unique?

Now think about yourself as you are today.

Do you still keep up some of these interests? What do you enjoy doing in your own time? Do you make time for yourself?

A strong marriage is one in which both members understand that their spouse needs to take part in outside interests in order to feel happy and fulfilled.

Outside hobbies will keep you and your spouse fresh in the marriage, fuelling new interest in one another, as well as topics for conversation.

Spending the occasional period of time apart doing what you each enjoy is healthy. It’s good to have some shared interests, but not to become a clone of each other.

If you have given up hobbies during your marriage due to lack of time or other commitments, try to make time for them again. Encourage your spouse to do the same. Giving each other this time is a gift that will be repaid tenfold in your marital satisfaction.

4. I promise to look after my health

One of the biggest signs of self-respect is when someone really takes care of their health.

This involves practices such as going to the doctor regularly for check-ups or concerns, allowing your body to rest when you’re tired or unwell, and choosing to maintain a reasonably healthy diet, to give your body all the essential vitamins and nutrients it needs.

If you’re physically burnt-out, you’re guaranteed to be feeling it mentally and emotionally as well. Get your body in order first, so you have the resources to cope with life’s problems.

5. I promise to maintain a reasonable level of fitness

Regular exercise has so many benefits for your health and wellbeing!

Working up a regular sweat will have significant effects on prolonging your life, improving your mood, reducing stress, speeding up your metabolism, boosting your brain power, increasing your sex drive, building strength and agility, and keeping your body in great shape.

With all of these undeniable benefits, it’s time to ditch the excuses and get out your trainers. There are so many types of exercise and sports to choose from, so go for something you will be able to keep up and enjoy.

6. I promise to work towards the goals I want to achieve

Having goals in life is really important. If we don’t have goals, what are we living for? These don’t have to be anything extreme, like ‘climb Mt Everest’; they could simply be things like ‘be a good parent’ or ‘run a 5K in 6 months time’.

If you don’t have any goals in mind right now, try having a think about what you still want to achieve in your future, and write ideas down as you go. You might be surprised about what you come up with.

The next step is writing a plan of action for these goals, and discussing them over with your spouse and family. It is far easier to achieve goals if you have the support of loved ones.

You can then start putting these plans into action. It may be tough, but keep working at whatever you want to achieve until you get there. It will be well worth it at the finish line!

7. I promise to take pride in my appearance

Do you look in the mirror and like what you see? Are you happy with the way you look?

If you’re not, it’s time to make a few changes – whether it be in the way you are viewing yourself, or in your actual self-presentation.

Remember that physically, none of us are perfect.

We all have aspects of ourselves that are particularly attractive, as well as parts that we wish we could change.

The trick is to accentuate what we do have, rather than try to hide our flaws. Because it is our positive aspects that other people tend to notice.

For example, if you have great legs, don’t hide them beneath baggy sweatpants – get out those shorts or slim-fitting jeans to show them off in the best way possible. And don’t forget about showing that great smile – this instantly boosts attractiveness.

If you feel you have been slacking a little in your self-presentation lately, here are some quick tips for instant positive results:

- Get a haircut (and make sure you keep it regularly washed and maintained).

- Make sure that your clothes fit well, are in good condition, and suit you. It they don’t, it might be time to go shopping. If you need help, take someone with you that will give you their honest opinion on how well the clothes suit you.

- Maintain a high level of personal hygiene. This includes brushing and flossing teeth, showering regularly, and using a good deodorant.

8. I promise to love my family

Sometimes love is involuntary, like the love we have for our children.

Other times loving someone is a choice. You can choose to love your spouse, even when times are tough in your marriage.

You can start rekindling your love for your spouse today in the same way you can re-learn to love yourself. This is by making a conscious effort to take in all of the positive things your spouse is doing and saying, and trying to let some of the negatives go.

Make the choice today to love your family. Give them the gift of your time, love and attention.

But just remember to love yourself first.

If you keep working on YOU, your marriage will stay fresh and vital.

Instead of feeling tired, run down, unfulfilled and unhealthy, you will again become an energetic, confident person who pays attention to the positives. Basically, a person other people want to be around. A person people want to love.

A person your spouse will notice again, if they are needing a bit of a wake-up call to the amazing person they have right beside them.

If you haven’t been receiving the love you deserve from your spouse, this is all the more reason to maintain a strong sense of love and respect for yourself. This will give you the strength to fight for your marriage, while still knowing that you are capable of being independent of your spouse.

Furthermore, if your spouse would also benefit from working on some of these areas, hopefully your commitment to nurturing yourself and pursuing your interests will spark motivation for them to do the same.

Make these vows to yourself today, to restore love within yourself, and your marriage.

Brooke Ryan
Author,
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

Healthy Ways To Argue

Ideally, solving any conflict between your spouse is a simple process. All you have to do is point out the problem, take turns listening to each other and come up with a solution or compromise.

Easy, right?

But you know from experience that arguing with your spouse is never a straightforward exercise in communication. In the real world, so much can go wrong. For some couples, they’ve been down this road so many times that they don’t even bother trying anymore.

In their minds, they already expect things to escalate, so they avoid arguing altogether. We all know that avoiding conflict now is only postponing the inevitable since the same issues will come up again in the future. Pretty soon, you could very well alienate each other with this approach.

In other words, there’s no way around arguing with your spouse. So the question is: how can you manage conflicts to minimize the anger and frustration that often comes with it?

Be Constructive

Those who work in the customer service industry are trained to communicate with their clients in a constructive way. This is especially true when they’re dealing with difficult or irate customers – this is known as putting a positive spin.

For example, a technical support representative might a troubleshoot a computer problem by being positive with their statements instead of blaming the customer.

They know it won’t help the situation by saying something like, “Well, you wouldn’t have corrupted your flash drive if you hadn’t removed it in the middle of copying your files – that’s common sense!” Instead, they’ll probably get the customer to cooperate by rephrasing their statement to this:

“Well generally sir, disconnecting the flash drive while transferring files isn’t safe to do, but let’s see how we can recover the corrupted files.”

The main difference between the two statements is that the latter is more focused on moving forward towards a solution rather than accusing or blaming the other person.

In the same way, you can also bring up an issue with your spouse with the same approach. Understandably, this can be challenging when you’re in the heat of the moment and tempers are flaring.

Nevertheless, you can’t expect your spouse to see your point of view by bringing up the problem in a way that blames them for 100% of the problem. It’s just not possible to encourage cooperation by approaching the discussion like a debate from the get-go.

So if you’re upset because your spouse didn’t drop by the grocery store to pick up the ingredients you needed for tonight’s dinner, a good way to approach the problem like this:

“I was really counting on you to pick up the noodles and meat sauce for our pasta tonight. You know I asked you earlier today, and I’m upset because I wanted to make a nice dinner for us.”

You can probably tell what kind of results you’d get if you said something like this instead:

“I shouldn’t have asked you to get the stuff from the store – I knew you were going to forget to drop by! How could you be so forgetful?!”

Like we discussed earlier, there’s just no getting around a difficult matter. But that doesn’t mean you can’t point out the sore spots without directly attacking your partner. You’ll get much better results by “streamlining” your statements in a way that tackles the problem – not your partner’s feelings.

Turn The Tide

If there are things you can do to add to the tension, you can also do certain things that will have the opposite effect. Don’t underestimate the power your words have over your partner, so aside from using constructive statements, you can keep things from blowing over with the right choice of words.

A very good way to reverse the negative patterns of your arguments is by clearly communicating your feelings. This will give you an opportunity to break up a heated conversation.

To give you an idea, try saying something as simple as, “That really hurt, I wish you’d bring up the problem in a better way.” As with the last step, you’re not throwing around any accusations nor are you attacking your partner.

Another useful trick to calm things down is to use empathy in your statements. Instead of shooting down your spouse when they’re trying to make a point, try disagreeing this way:

“I get what you’re trying to say, but what I’m trying to understand is this…”

This way, you’ll reduce the tension even if you don’t share the same point of view. What matters is that your partner knows that you’re hearing them out in spite of the disagreement.

What most couples don’t realize is that having each others’ feelings validated can greatly help during an argument even if it doesn’t necessarily solve the actual issue. Then you can move on to find some common ground.

Of course, it would be unrealistic to expect you not to feel the least bit of anger while engaged in conflict with your spouse. To help you deal with this, don’t forget to refer to our earlier guide on dealing with anger.

Remember, these techniques work best when you use them together. Feel free to use a combination of the steps we talked about to prevent a simple argument from turning into an all-out war.

Be Ok With Imperfection

As we’ve said in our Save My Marriage Today book, all marriages go through a period of disillusionment after the honeymoon phase. It’s just a normal part of being together.

This is where a lot of couples run into trouble because they’re in denial about the reality that their relationship isn’t perfect. But then again, whose marriage is without problems?

This is something you also need to keep in mind when it comes to marital conflicts. Expecting everything to run smoothly or hoping that your spouse will one day be perfect is resisting the reality of imperfection.

When you allow yourself to be distracted with this mindset, you’ll be less inclined to find healthy ways to argue.

If you want to snap out of this, it’s vital to accept that two basic things in your marriage:

a) you’ll always fight about something in your marriage
b) you need to find a way around your issues

By bearing this in mind, you’ll realize that arguing with your spouse can be a healthy exercise that can actually bring you closer.

It will take some time for you to apply these things in your arguments. However, you’ll soon unlearn the negative patterns from the past and make a habit of out of applying these positive steps instead.

A 5-Step Plan to Deal With Anger

Everyone knows what it’s like to be wronged in some way, be it by a person or situation. Anger is the natural response because this emotion pushes us into “fight mode” when we’re faced with threats.

To a certain extent, anger is actually a helpful defense mechanism that keeps us safe. However, poorly managed anger can endanger your health, relationships and the quality of your life in general.

If you’re having trouble getting your anger under control because of issues in your marriage (or due to other factors), here are some ways you can start dealing with it today:

#1: Anger Is Not The Only Solution

In fact, anger at its rawest (i.e. most destructive and hateful) is NOT a solution at all.

In reality, there are OTHER ways to act on your emotions. During a heated argument with your spouse, you could jump the gun and say, “I’m so sick of putting up with your crap!”

Or, you can say, “You know what? I’m pissed that we’re not on the same page, so I think I need a break.”

Both of these address your anger, but which is a better path to take?

Lashing out won’t help you calm down. On the contrary, studies have shown that anger actually grows exponentially the longer you go down that path.

Your blood pressure will spike, your heart feels like a freight train, and you’ll be at greater risk of coronary heart disease.

Worse, you’ll alienate other people around you. Do you really want leave others feeling terrible, lose respect for you and avoid being around you?

The benefits of releasing anger destructively are only temporary. Though it may feel good for a little while to get it off your chest, but once the dust settles, the long-lasting effects are hardly worth it.

Dr. John Gottman, the author of “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, tells couples that venting anger has no cathartic effect. The more you destructively express your anger, the more you MAGNIFY it.

#2: Turn your anger Into Something Positive

So if you have to get mad, do it for a good reason. Be angry because you want resolve the issue concerning your spouse, and not to hurt him or her.

Author and TV show host Dr. Phil says that the one way he can tell if a couple is going to stay together or not is by the way they handle their conflicts. If a couple argues not to get their points across and simply to hurt each other, then this attitude will only lead to divorce.

However, if you choose to have something good to come out of your anger, then you will not have wasted all that energy for nothing.

If anything, let the expression of your anger be a constructive experience for both of you.

But how do you go about doing that?

#3: Attack The Issues and NOT Your Spouse

Like we discussed, hurting your spouse out of anger is not a constructive approach. Instead, take out your frustration on the problems arising from what your spouse said or did.

A good way to deal with your anger is by framing your statements in a way that addresses the situation as a whole. Obviously, your spouse's actions have a lot to do with the situation in the first place.

Mindy, a client of ours, shared with us her way of expressing her anger. She says, "When my husband forgot yet again to pick up the groceries every Wednesday like we agreed upon, I resisted the temptation to accuse him of being insensitive."

To address the issue, she told her husband:

“You know, I find it frustrating when you forget to pick the groceries because I sent you an email and text message at lunch time and you still forgot. I know you have a lot to think about, but it stresses me out when we don't have the stuff we need for me to make dinner. Then we'll both be affected because we have to spend for take-out when you know that our budget is tight right now. It would really take a load off my mind if you made an effort to remember to pick up the groceries like talked about before."

This was an excellent way for Mindy to frame her anger because:

- She talked about the problem from the "big picture" perspective to avoid belittling her husband.

- She made it clear that this was THEIR problem and didn't attribute it to something that was wrong with HIM (i.e. a character defect).

- She ended her constructive rant by offering a solution to the problem ("I would love it if you...").

#4: Keep It Clean

When you get upset, have you ever wanted to use colorful language? If so, then welcome to the human race.

Although it's perfectly natural to want to swear at someone who's provoked you, it doesn't mean that you actually should. Curse words don't serve any other purpose than to hurt someone or (a big no-no, see #3) provoke an aggressive response.

The next time you feel like using foul language, keep in mind that it’s TOXIC to the soul and brings nothing good to the table. At best, it will only perpetuate a cycle of attacking and retaliation.

Rather than label the other person (e.g. "You're stupid!"), label your feelings. Here are a few examples:

"I'm angry because..."

"It really ticks me off that..."

"I'm bothered when you..."

You wouldn't want the other person to hurl four-letter words at you. You don't have to use obscenities for the other person to acknowledge your anger.

#5: Take a Break!

Who says you have to stay in a stressful situation? Everybody has their limits, and you don’t have to force yourself to carry on even when you’re already at your wit’s end.

Office workers need breaks in between the day because being productive doesn’t keep going at it until you snap.  Your patience works the same way.

Give yourself a breather - go for a walk, meditate for a while, or put on some soothing music if you feel overwhelmed. Some people like to sit in a quiet spot, close their eyes and think of something pleasant.

For instance, imagine you’re at a concert featuring your favorite band. Imagine the sights, sounds and emotions of being in a happy place.

Whatever your preference is, detach yourself from the situation for a little while to gain some peace of mind. It may feel a bit weird at first, but getting into this habit will help disrupt the cycle of anger and keep your emotions from escalating.

By nature, emotions are hard to control. But there’s nothing wrong with having feelings of anger because we wouldn’t be human otherwise.

With the right habits however, you can teach yourself how to avoid hurting others and end up picking up the pieces from the damage that anger can cause.

5 Ways To Manage Stress

Though we try to avoid stress in our lives, it’s a prevalent part of our daily routine. Throughout the week, we take on various responsibilities that require a great deal of our time and energy.

As the days pile up, so do our stress levels. Between paying the bills, raising the kids, attending to your partner’s needs and working on your career, it’s hard to find time to decompress and take care of yourself.

However, none of us can really afford NOT to do this. After all, we’re only human – even the most dedicated spouse needs to recharge their batteries.

A lack of stress management skills won’t only hurt you in the long run; your family will be negatively affected as well. It’s all too common for spouses to end up taking their frustrations out on their family, snapping at them over trivial things.

Your partner and children certainly won’t appreciate a crabby spouse with a short fuse. Here are some effective ways to chill out and keep those stress levels to a minimum:

#1: Clear Your Mind

Whether you’re on your lunch break at work or have 15 minutes to spare at home, spending some time to quiet your mind is an often overlooked technique to de-stress.

No matter what your worries are, constantly obsessing about them won’t make them go away. You’ll take care of it when the time comes, so you might as well give yourself a chance to think about something else.

Better yet, try NOT thinking of anything at all. If you have a rec room at work, sit down, close your eyes and empty your thoughts.

If you’re at home, find a quiet spot you can go to daily and do the same thing. Doing nothing is the simplest way to regain your bearings and restore your focus.

When you go on long stretches of work without resting, you’ll be like a pencil that’s become dull from overuse. You might not notice it, but not giving yourself a chance to “sharpen up” will cause mental blocks.

When your mind is worn out, you’ll have a harder time making decisions. Make a daily mental note to reboot your brain when you start feeling sluggish.

#2: Reap The Benefits of Cardio

Exercise is a great way to blow off steam and keep you fit at the same time. Not only will you get the blood pumping, you’ll also have the chance to get your mind off your worries for a little while.

However, this doesn’t mean you need to become a gym rat or marathon runner. Ease yourself into your fitness routine by dedicating 20-30 minutes to cardiovascular activity thrice a week.

Just remember not to strain yourself too much. Don’t be pressured into losing drastic amounts of weight. When starting out, the important thing is to take the first step towards an active lifestyle and get the endorphins flowing.

As you used to moving around more, you can start accomplishing more focused weekly goals like running a certain number of miles, doing a set amount of reps, or any other activity that fits your preferences.

#3: You Snooze, You Win

It’s pretty obvious that getting enough sleep is important, but here’s another reason why you should. Staying up late will cause your body to produce a stress-triggered hormone known as cortisol.

Studies have shown that high levels of cortisol are linked to a greater risk of heart-related ailments and an increased desire to eat. Though it may take some effort to organize your schedule and make more time for sleep, it’s well worth the trouble.

Rearranging some items on your daily itinerary has its rewards such as greater alertness and being less irritable throughout the day. That brings us to the next tip…

#4: Strategize Your Day

Although it feels like you have a million things to do every day, you can make sense of the madness with some thoughtful planning ahead of time.

The most common method is to list down all of the things you need to do when you wake up. Instead, go back the night before and start from there.

Start off on an encouraging note by making a list of the day’s accomplishments before going to bed. If there are any unfinished tasks on your list, designate a specific completion date for them whether it’s tomorrow or later in the week.

By tomorrow morning, you will have sorted out your priorities in advance. Organizing your tasks this way reduces the feeling of being overwhelmed because you know exactly what needs to be done.  By nighttime, you can repeat the cycle and get everything sorted out before the next day.

Without a clear picture in your head, your to-do items will seem like a massive, shapeless pile of worries. Going through your day with such a load on your mind is stressful in itself!

# 5: Connect With Others

As the famous saying goes, “No man is an island”.  As our stress accumulates, we sometimes forget that we’re surrounded by people who can be there for us in times of need.

You don’t have to take the brunt of your daily woes on your own. Find someone to talk to, whether it’s your close friends, relatives or colleagues.

Your innermost circles can offer you a chance to get away from the grind and let your hair down. Though talking to people you trust may not directly solve your problems, venting will preserve your sanity.

What’s more, the people around you can help you see your situation from another point of view. We’re often so fixated on our worries that we forget that there’s more than one approach to things.

Don’t forget that as you carry stress, it can spread into your home and create a cycle of tension. With the proper techniques above, you can disrupt this unhealthy pattern and make things easier for yourself - along with your spouse and children.

What If Your Spouse Is NOT On Board With The Relationship?

Among the numerous consultations we handle daily, one of the most common cases we get is wherein one of the spouses is absent in the relationship.

This could be caused by a general feeling of disillusionment with the marriage or exasperation over a partner’s behavior.  Whether one of them has moved out or is still there but acting very distant, it’s difficult for the other person to deal with this change in their marriage.

And so the usual problem is that the partner who wants to make things work becomes frustrated from the their spouse's lack of interest in saving their marriage.

Then, the struggling spouse begins to entertain thoughts of hopelessness and the desire to throw in the towel.

However, just because the frustrated spouse may have these cataclysmic feelings, it doesn't mean they have to let it fester in their consciousness.  When a certain type of emotion is nurtured, there's a tendency for it to snowball and gather critical mass.

If you're going through this situation, read on...

Regaining Your Personal Power

The negative thoughts swirling in your head can ATTRACT similar thoughts until you develop a crippling mindset which will taint your outlook with hopelessness.  Don’t give in to this pattern – acknowledge your emotions for what they are and move on to a constructive course of action.

Remember, the mind is capable of exaggerating your worst fears; don’t let it play tricks on you.  As powerless as you might feel, you can regain control of your emotions by realizing that you have the power to feed an emotion or DISMISS it.

While you don’t have total control over the circumstances in your life (such as an estranged spouse), you'll always have control over your reactions to them.  Empowering yourself with this important truth is the first step to improving your marriage – along with your life in general.

Start by transforming yourself.  A happy, positive and loving person attracts people and inspires change in them - even if might take some time.

If your spouse doesn’t want to be on-board with the relationship, that is their choice.  He or she needs to realize their accountability in the relationship and how they’ve contributed to the state of your marriage.

In case your spouse refuses to see a counselor, go ahead and set up an appointment for yourself anyway.  At the very least, a trained professional will allow you to vent your emotions and process them constructively (as opposed to sulking).

A specialist will also help you focus on the core issues that are troubling your marriage so that you don’t develop a narrow-minded view of your situation.

Get Validation From Your Life, Not Just Your Marriage

Furthermore, tap into the areas of your life so that your troubled marriage doesn't make you feel that you're lacking in some way.  Create a support system by reconnecting with family members and old friends.  They can give you a different perspective on your situation and give you the strength to carry on in spite of the challenges you face.

Indulge in your passions and get involved in a cause or hobby that’s close to your heart.  In a trying time such as this, it’s important to become whole by getting reacquainted with yourself.

Some of your individuality might have faded into the relationship - now is the time to regain the qualities which make you unique.

By asserting your independence, you’ll become happier with who you are and less needy.  This is the kind of person your spouse will want to come home to.

Paradoxically, taking this opportunity to do your own thing will bring your spouse closer to you and remind them of the person they married.

A Change Of Heart

Eventually, he or she will open their heart to you once more and allow you a chance to reconnect.  Sometimes, a person needs to know exactly what they stand to lose (i.e. you) before they realize that they need to stop taking it for granted.

Regardless of whatever happens to you, remember that you’ll always have to take care of yourself.  How can you be there for the people in your life if you neglect your well-being?  Though the path is strewn with frustrating setbacks, you will come out of your ordeal as a wiser and stronger person.

As you become the best version of yourself, you’ll rebuild the friendship you share with your spouse.  Ultimately, you’ll accept each other for who you are and develop a deeper, more profound love in your marriage.