This article follows on from the previous blog post: What to do when your spouse has an affair.

**Please note: this article is intended for couples who wish to rebuild their marriage after an affair has ended. If your spouse is still having an affair, or you are wishing to separate, this article is not the one for you.**

If you’re reading this article, I can assume you’ve made it through the affair, and have decided to give your spouse and your marriage another chance. Good on you. This is not an easy decision to make.

Just remember that this is your decision, and your decision only. Plenty of people may be wanting to give you their two cents about what you should or should not be doing right now. If they do, throw it right back to them. They are not in this marriage. They are not emotionally involved. They have no right.

OK, deep breath. Let’s get straight to it: how to rebuild your marriage so that it can be even stronger than before. This is not going to be easy, I’ll tell you now. But with effort and time, you will get there. Follow these six steps to get back on the path to a happy, healthy marriage.

1. Before reconnecting can begin, your spouse must have ended ALL contact with the ‘other party’.

The first thing that must happen before any reconnecting can start is that your spouse must end ALL contact with the person they had the affair with. There is no way you are going to be able to move on knowing that the two are still in touch – no matter how much your spouse says it’s over.

Ending contact may be difficult, especially if the third person is in close proximity, such as a work colleague or neighbour. However, if your spouse really wants to make things work with you, they will find a way to cease all contact with this person. You should not have to ask twice.

If your spouse tries to tell you that ending contact is not necessary or makes excuses, this is a sign that they are not really over their affair. Don’t put up with this: it’s you or them. Period.

2. In order to heal, you both need to be prepared to accept responsibility for what went wrong in your marriage.

Like I said last week, your spouse’s affair is not your fault. They made this choice and need to accept responsibility for this. But what you both need to be prepared to acknowledge is any ways in which you contributed to your unresolved marital problems. It is time to work through exactly what went wrong in your marriage.

The key to this is that you both need to be willing to talk openly and honestly about your feelings, without any blame being pointed at one another. Accept responsibility for your actions, and explain reasons behind these which your spouse may not have been aware of, without making excuses.

Only once you have talked these problems through in a calm environment can you start moving forward and finding solutions, rather than staying stuck in a blame game which will get you nowhere.

3. From this point on, be completely honest with each other.

From here on, there are no more lies or deceit. As much as the truth can hurt, nothing can hurt you more now than the affair already has. There’s no point building a house on an unstable foundation.

Remember, your spouse wants to rebuild this marriage as well, so take anything they say as constructive feedback which is designed to help strengthen your connection rather than weaken it.

As much as you can yourself, try to frame any comments that could potentially hurt your spouse in the gentlest way possible.

4. Spend as much quality time together as possible, and account for any time apart.

Right now is the time for you and your spouse to be giving each other your undivided attention. Your neglected marriage needs to be fed and nurtured in order to grow, and the best way to achieve this is to spend as much quality time with your spouse as possible.

Cancel any unnecessary appointments or social events, so you can fully devote your free time to working on re-bonding with your spouse.

It is very important that at this time you and your spouse account for any time you have apart. For after learning that your spouse has been cheating behind your back, you may find yourself being very suspicious of their every move when they are away – and rightly so!

It is going to be a struggle learning to trust your spouse again, but keeping each other updated on your whereabouts when you are apart is an active way that will help you to do this.

Again, your spouse should completely understand and respect your need for this.

5. Re-learn how to meet each other’s emotional needs.

After going through this really difficult patch in your marriage, I’m guessing you both have some needs that have been neglected for some time – needs that can only be met through your spouse’s love.

Reconnecting emotionally is going to be hard. Really hard. But the good news is, you’ve made it this far, and it can only go up from here.

The first step is for you and your spouse to let each other know that despite everything that has happened in your relationship, you still love each other.

Think back to your marriage vows.

“I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live”.

Now I know that your vows will have varied from these. But I’m going to go ahead and assume that they shared some of the same messages: to love unconditionally, to support, to respect, and to cherish one another. I’m also sure that on your wedding day, you knew exactly how to love, support, respect and cherish your spouse.

It’s time to relearn how to do this.

One activity you might find helpful is writing down with your spouse all the things you love about each other, and giving these to one another to read. In doing this, you are reminding each other of the strong connection you share, and allowing you to see yourself through their eyes.

Part of reconnecting emotionally is also relearning how to express your love physically. Take this as slow as you need to. Start with a touch on the hand or a hug. It may have been some time since you have felt each other’s touch, and it will take time for you to get comfortable again.

This is all normal, and it will get easier. Don’t give up if it doesn’t feel right straight away.

6. What happened in the past, stays in the past.

You’ve talked everything through as much as possible, expressed and explored all of your feelings, and have come up with ways to move forward. It is now time for you and your spouse to agree to leave it all behind you.

Your spouse is going to have to live with their feelings of guilt about the affair for the rest of their life. But what is really going to hold back your marriage is if you are constantly reminding them of this guilt and using it as a defence for any less-than-positive behaviour of your own.

Punishing your spouse forever is not going to change what happened. It is not going to make you feel better. But what it will do is greatly diminish the quality of your marriage. If you aren’t able to give your spouse a true new beginning, they are not going to be able to grow and make changes for the better.

This goes for any of the other problems which occurred in your marriage before or during the affair. Pour everything out of the box, sort through it, leave behind the broken bits, and place the treasured parts back in with care. It’s time for a fresh start.

I really hope that this guide helps you to regain the love in your marriage. You are taking a very brave step, and I’m sure that with time and nourishment your relationship will again grow strong.

Brooke Ryan, Author
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

If you have just found out your spouse has had an affair, it will feel like the bottom is dropping out of your world right now.

You can't sleep... you feel sick... and you want to get your old life back.

Everything is overwhelming and you have no idea how you’re supposed to react.

But you need good advice and you need to be thinking at your best as soon as possible. The following 5 tips are designed to help you get through this initial stage after the affair.

Although no two experiences are the same, this 5-step guide will be a great help in getting you through this extremely challenging time – with the best interests of yourself and your family at heart.

1. Look after yourself

Finding out your spouse is having an affair is a major shock to the system, no matter how much you may have suspected it.

Physically, mentally and emotionally – you are going to be experiencing some serious turmoil. This is natural.

But right now, it is so important to be putting yourself and your health first. Letting your health go is only going to make it harder for you to cope through this time - your body can’t heal when it is under stress.

This means not demanding too much of yourself right now.

As hard as it is under the circumstances, just focus on keeping up the basics to give your body what it needs: eating adequate and nutritious meals, getting enough sleep, and exercising regularly. Try your best to keep up any activities which will allow your mind some temporary relief from dealing with what has happened.

You are likely to be dealing with a whirlwind of emotions, including grief, loss, anger and disbelief. One minute you may be sobbing in an intense cloak of sadness, the next you may be flying off the handle with rage. You may even have moments when you laugh and feel somewhat happy. This is all okay.

Everything you are feeling is normal – be kind to yourself.

2. Hold off on making any big decisions

After experiencing the shock of discovering your spouse’s affair, your body is likely to go into full self-protection mode.

Being in this mode causes your fight or flight system to activate, which may make you feel as if you need to act now. Immediately filing for divorce, confronting your spouse’s lover, leaving town, engaging in risky behaviour, self-harming – these are all examples of extreme actions which could have very serious consequences.

However, as much as you may feel the urge to do any of these things, I urge you to stop. To stop and breathe.

You are in shock and do not have the capacity to think rationally right now. Rather than making any rash decisions, give yourself time to come to terms with what has happened. Believe me - you don’t want to end up with regrets that will make this situation even harder.

Although you may feel like you never want to see your spouse again, let alone be with them, now is not the time to make any major decisions in your relationship. However, know that you will have a say in what happens next.

This affair does not necessarily mean the end of your marriage.

As impossible as it may feel, having time completely apart from your spouse right now is the best option - perhaps for one to two weeks. This will give you both time to recollect and re-gather your feelings. During this time, you may find it very beneficial to write down any questions you wish to ask your spouse, record how you are feeling, and write any thoughts or ideas you have about your marriage and where you want it to go from here.

This means that when you do feel ready to meet with your spouse, you will have had the time to clear your head, gather your strength and think about exactly what you want from your spouse and what you would like to say to them.

3. Seek help and support

An affair is not something you can struggle with alone – you are not superhuman. This is a time to really lean on the support of family and friends, and seek help when you need it. Accepting help does not make you a weak person.

It is important to let your close friends and family members know about your spouse’s affair. This is not about getting back at your spouse, it is about making those close to you understand what you are going through so they can help.

Keeping it inside because you want to protect your spouse or because you feel ashamed is only hurting yourself.

Because although it might not feel like it, life goes on after the affair. Your fridge still needs to be restocked, your children still need to get to school, your house still needs cleaning, your bills still need to be paid. And if you try to do all this while inside you everything is falling apart, soon enough that flimsy exterior is going to crack.

So give others the chance to help. If you don’t feel like cooking, let your friends bring meals over. If you are really struggling to maintain composure in front of your children right now, accept your parent’s offer to have the kids at their house for a week.

Everyone will understand and want to do what they can to support you.

During the time after the affair, you may also wish to seek professional help – this is okay too. Many people seek help from a counsellor or psychologist at times in their lives when they are going through a major life transition or traumatic event.

You do not have to go through this alone.

4. Show self-respect

When the person you love is unfaithful to you, especially if you are taken by this unawares, your first reaction may be to try and win back their love at all costs. But begging for your spouse to come back to you will only convey to them these messages:

That your spouse can treat you however they like.
That you are prepared to be with your spouse at any cost.
That you do not respect yourself.

If you are a doormat, your spouse will not be able to respect you.

No matter how much you may wish to still be with your spouse, they need to realise that what they have done is not acceptable and has serious consequences – they have a long road ahead to earning back your trust and respect. Do not let them get away with their affair scot-free. You deserve better than being treated this way.

There are ways that you and your spouse can start to rebuild your relationship if this is what you want to do. You can see this next week in Part 2: How to begin the reconnection process after an affair. But begging for their love after they have been unfaithful is not going to help you to do this.

5. Accept that this is not your fault

No matter how tough things may have been in your marriage, know that your spouse’s affair is not your fault. Your spouse made the choice to be unfaithful. You are not responsible for their actions.

You both may have had a part to play in any marital problems you were experiencing. I’m sure you will know yourself what these are, and may feel responsible for any ways in which you contributed to these problems. However, experiencing difficulties in your marital relationship does not give reason to be unfaithful. You did not cause your spouse to have an affair.

Stay in touch for Part Two: How to begin the reconnection process after an affair.

It's very difficult for someone to be betrayed by another person they've trusted the most. The easiest thing to do is to break down and cry when your spouse finds love somewhere else.

However, it is always up to you how you'll handle yourself in this difficult situation. You can choose to file a divorce or you can stop and think on what happened and strive hard to find a win-win solution.

If you want to move forward and win against infidelity, the best thing to do is to pull yourself together and take control of your emotions. Allow yourself to hurt but not to the point of being irrational.

Based on our studies, most cases of infidelity often lead to separation or divorce. Many couples choose to end their marriage instead of rebuilding their trust with one another. Of course, a little amount of space is needed to give oneself a breather but any decision that emanates from hurt and anger will not always be the best for all.

Finding out about your partner's infidelity is a very painful experience. It's as if your heart was ripped off your chest. One can be so overwhelmed with emotions that they end up confused.

However, it's vital to always look at the big picture. There is always a reason for any action. Finding out what cause the affair and where you want to go from there is a big decision that you and your spouse should talk about.

Perhaps you just didn't notice that your marriage already have problems which led to your spouse looking someplace else just to fulfill his or her needs. Although it might be very difficult, but a great amount of understanding is needed in order to combat the hurt caused by infidelity.

Rather than screaming, shouting and blaming your partner, you should always keep in mind that being tactful is essential. Always think before you speak. If you need to vent, find a mature person you can talk to.

He or she can listen to you and help you make the load a bit lighter. Letting go, acceptance and forgiveness are the three things you can do in order to win against infidelity and rebuild your marriage in the process.

If you are the unfaithful spouse, you should be ready to do everything in order to regain the broken trust. Cut your ties with the other party and be sincere and honest with your partner. Do whatever it takes to regain your spouse's love, respect, and trust.

Work with your spouse to make yourselves whole again. As it is, any relationship composed of broken people will eventually lose meaning and fall apart. It is also important not to rely on your spouse for happiness.

Regain your individuality and you'll surely be a better person.  Find out what's wrong with your relationship and work on it.  Focus on healing even if you need to separate temporarily with your spouse.  There is no one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to winning against infidelity but with patience, maturity and forgiveness, you'll be able to live a happy life despite what happened.