Today we are going into a tough topic that does require you to look DEEPLY within yourself, and possibly identify some areas of self-improvement.

However, I hope that you find it rewarding and eye-opening… And hopefully it can provide a basis for change in your marriage.

Because remember, you ALWAYS have power to bring about change in your situation simply by making changes to your OWN behavior.

As said by H. Jackson Brown, Jr;
“Never underestimate your power to change yourself. Never overestimate your power to change others”.

And this is just as true in your marriage, as in any other area of your life!

So let’s begin from the start…When you got married, you and your spouse vowed to love one another and share your lives together.

And no doubt you each had an idea of what that would entail.

Today I am asking you to think once again about what loving one another and sharing your lives together means to you. Because this may just shed some light on your marital situation.

Firstly, let me pull apart some commonly held misbeliefs about what marriage is about:

• Your spouse is responsible for meeting all of your needs.
• Your spouse is responsible for making you feel happy.
• Your spouse is responsible for making you feel worthy.
• Your spouse should always put you before themselves.

Why are these beliefs completely unrealistic?

Because it is literally IMPOSSIBLE for one person to fulfill every need of another. And nor should they have to – this is too big of a burden.

In a healthy marriage, spouses have a healthy sense of being individuals as well as part of a team. They acknowledge that their survival is not dependent on each other. Rather than being dependent, they are INTER-dependent.

Even in marriage, each person still needs to take responsibility for their own wellbeing and happiness. Your spouse should definitely ADD to this (and should fulfil SOME of your needs for love and closeness), but they are NOT your caregiver.

No-one is perfect, and no-one can read minds. Your spouse’s thoughts and actions can’t ALWAYS be centered around you and your needs. You are important to them, but they have many other important things in their life – not to mention themselves!

If we are solely relying on our spouses to make us feel loved and happy, we are never going to feel complete love and happiness. Because this has to come from within OURSELVES first. We need to feel that as individuals, we have our own identity, significance and value.

Trying to bully your spouse into meeting your needs or ‘healing’ you is manipulation, not love - and will only make for a dysfunctional relationship. Love needs to be RECIPROCAL and given FREELY between spouses.

Why do some people have these unrealistic expectations?

These unrealistic marital expectations come from ‘need love’: where someone is consumed by their own needs in a relationship due to insecurity.

‘Need-love’ can be a strong indicator of immaturity – where that person is still trying to get their spouse to meet needs that were not met in the past.

They are subconsciously looking to their spouse to ‘heal’ any past hurts they have suffered, such as in their previous relationships or during their childhood.

As a result, a person operating from ‘need-love’ in marriage will base their own love-giving around what they are getting BACK from their spouse. They will constantly be demanding to see signs of their spouse’s love and care.

What happens when someone has unrealistic expectations of their spouse?

When a person is dependent on their spouse to make them feel ‘whole’, they will never feel completely satisfied or happy in their relationship.

They become angry and critical of their partner, often using active or passive-aggressive means to ‘punish’ their spouse for failing to live up to their expectations.

And they make more and more unreasonable demands of their spouse, of which their spouse has no hope of achieving.

As a result, their spouse feels inadequate, unappreciated, unloved and defensive. Because the ‘needy’ spouse is so busy feeling hurt about their needs not being met, that they are completely ignoring their spouse’s needs.

Eventually, the spouse can’t take the pressure or criticism anymore and their love dies. The dependent behavior of their spouse literally drained their emotional resources dry.

So they call it quits, leaving the needy spouse is left in a considerable amount of pain, sometimes oblivious to the fact that it was their own destructive behavior that drove their spouse away…

…Which is the exact OPPOSITE of what they were wanting to achieve.

It’s a vicious cycle that needs to be STOPPED in order for a marriage to be saved.

How you can break the cycle and grow as a spouse:

• Take a long hard look at how you are treating your spouse. Are you showing love and making them feel appreciated? If not, start showing appreciation for all the great things your spouse does, and STOP criticizing.

And before you draw any conclusions about your spouse’s behavior, always look at your OWN behavior and what you have the power to change FIRST.

• If you have identified ways in which you have not been treating your spouse with love, respect and appreciation, APOLOGIZE to your spouse for this… as hard as it may be. Your spouse may be deeply touched to see that you have finally acknowledged this destructive behavior and are wanting to make a change. For steps on how to apologize, see How to Say “I’m Sorry” and Really Mean It.

• In future, communicate your desires and needs clearly to your spouse, so they actually understand what you are wanting…rather than making them guess all the time. However, make sure that these requests are REASONABLE and are able to be fulfilled. Put your needs out there, but do not EXPECT your spouse to meet every need. ASK rather than demand.

• Start trying to meet more of your SPOUSE’S needs. A great book to check out is Gary Chapman’s “The 5 Love Languages”. This book explains how often couples never realize that they may have different ‘love needs’ to each other. It will help you to identify the ways that your spouse most wants to be loved, and the ways that you most want to be loved… So you can start loving each other in the ways you need.

• Think about the qualities, attributes and interests that make you YOU. See how you can build on these, to develop a greater sense of your own identity…Rather than relying on your husband or wife to ‘complete’ you. For instance, if you crave emotional connection, why not work on developing some closer friendships outside of your marriage? Connection with others will only add value to your relationship with your spouse.

• Stop comparing your relationship to other peoples’ or to what you see on TV. Every relationship is different, and comparisons only lead to jealousy and dissatisfaction. Never, ever say to your spouse; “Why can’t you be more like Harry or Julia?”

• Lastly, remember you can always seek professional help and talk to a counsellor if you feel you need to. It may even be good to do this before you consider going to marriage counselling with your spouse, as it may be that working on your own personal issues will have a really positive effect on your marriage.

I hope this post has been really helpful to you. Here is another quote I’d like to leave you with, by an unknown but very wise person:

“You can never be happy as someone’s other half unless you can be happy as a whole on your own”.

Brooke Ryan
Writer
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

Sorry can be the HARDEST thing to say to your spouse – I’m sure you all agree!

By saying this, you’re admitting that you’ve messed up and have hurt one of the people you love the most. It’s never easy.

But the thing is, we’re all human and we ALL make mistakes. And unfortunately, sometimes we make mistakes that really hurt our spouses.

When this happens, it’s our job to accept responsibility for our actions and apologize – EVEN when your mistake is so BIG you feel like there is almost ‘too much’ to apologize for.

It’s true that the deeper the hurt, the longer the healing process will take.

But whether it’s after a six-month affair or after forgetting your anniversary, the steps you need to follow when apologizing to your spouse are the same.

Continue below to find out what these steps are, and feel free to share your own thoughts and experiences at the end.

1. Forgive yourself
You might be thinking something like; “How on earth could I ever forgive myself?” or “How can an apology begin with ME?”

But there are several reasons why it is necessary to try to make peace with yourself after you have made a mistake.

First of all, dwelling on self-loathing and remorseful thoughts is going to use up all of your emotional energy.

This is NOT going to be helpful for you or your marriage, as it keeps the focus on the PROBLEM, rather than what you can do to FIX it.

If you can accept the mistake you have made, you will be able to then focus your energy on what you can do to make up for it.

Let me be clear here. By forgiving yourself, you are not clearing yourself of any blame… You freely admit that you’ve made a mistake.

But you are also acknowledging that the behavior you’ve done wrong does not mean you are a bad person as a whole – and you have the opportunity to be your best self from now on.

2. Apologize to your spouse and accept full responsibility
When it comes to saying sorry, the sooner the better. However, an apology needs to be said with genuine sincerity and feeling to be effective.

So you need time to calm down before you apologize to your spouse, take this time. An angry or sarcastic apology will only make the situation worse.

As hard as it is, look into your spouse’s eyes when you go to apologize to them.

Say sorry and explain exactly what you are sorry for. Express regret for what you’ve done and show an understanding of the impact your behavior has had on your spouse.

For instance; “I’m so sorry that I forgot we had plans for dinner tonight. I know how much you had been looking forward to going out and how disappointed and hurt you must’ve felt when I arrived home late”.

Lastly, never never NEVER say “I’m sorry” and follow it up with a “but” or an excuse.

For instance; “I’m so sorry that I forgot we had plans for dinner tonight. I know how much you had been looking forward to going out and how disappointed and hurt you must’ve felt when I arrived home late. BUT the reason I forgot about dinner is because YOU didn’t remind me this morning. You know I’m busy with work and find it hard to keep track of what is going on sometimes”.

This will make your apology meaningless, and even imply that you are BLAMING your spouse – which is only likely to push them further away.

So accept full responsibility for your actions… Do not try to downplay your mistake to make yourself feel better (because believe me, it won’t work!) And focus only on YOUR actions, not your spouse’s.

3. Make promises for the future
Come up with a plan to ensure your mistake will not be repeated in future and communicate this to your spouse. Just make sure any promises you make can be followed up on.

For instance; “I will have absolutely no further contact with that person. I will delete him/her from my phone, Facebook, Twitter, and will let you know immediately if he/she ever tries to get in touch with me.

I am happy to give you open access to all of my accounts and my phone if that would be helpful to you. I promise to keep in regular communication with you about what I am doing and from now on I will always be at home when I say I will.

I really want to make this work and will do whatever it takes. I will clear my schedule outside of work so I can spend as much time with you as possible – as much time as you are comfortable with right now.”

4. Accept your spouse’s reaction
A common assumption that a spouse often makes is that as soon as they have apologized, their husband or wife should stop being angry or sad and give them forgiveness.

And when this doesn’t happen, the apologizing spouse explodes and says something along the lines of; “I’ve just apologized! What more to you want me to do?! Why can’t you just accept it and move on?!”

The thing is, you can ask your husband or wife for their forgiveness, but you can’t FORCE them to forgive you. Whether they do or not is their choice.

So don’t expect anything from your spouse right now.

Yes, you are making yourself vulnerable and yes, it may feel excruciating being met by your spouse’s silence or angry words. This truly is the HARDEST part about saying “I’m sorry”.

But you NEED to accept your spouse’s anger without reacting. Remember, their anger is born from pain.

So avoid acting defensively AT ALL COSTS, even though this may be your first instinct - as it will only undo the good you have just done by apologizing.

And now is definitely not the time to start pointing fingers and trying to get back at your spouse for anything they’ve done.

All you can do right now, as hard as it is, is give your spouse time to come to terms with your apology and see for themselves the changes in your behavior. Forgiveness will come with time.

5. Follow your apology up with positive actions
Saying sorry is important, but it isn’t enough on its own to heal your spouse’s hurt and move forward.

It is the ACTIONS that follow that actually do most of the relationship repairing.

Apologies need to be backed up with positive changes in behavior, as otherwise your spouse will lose faith in you and will become more hurt and betrayed as a result.

If you’ve betrayed your spouse in some way, the biggest key is to be ABSOLUTELY transparent with your spouse in future – do not try to hide or cover anything up.

Keep the lines of communication open and be honest about everything – where you are, what you are doing, who you are with, what you are spending... EVERYTHING.

This might seem over-the-top, but the truth is that your spouse is likely to be feeling very vulnerable right now, and their trust in you has been shattered. So in order for their trust to be regained, you need to leave literally zero doubts in their mind.

And remember, one big gesture of flowers and chocolates after you’ve messed up is nice, but it’s not going to have the same impact as continuous small steps to improve your behavior and show your spouse how much you value them.

Even if your spouse does not accept your apology straight away, DO NOT GIVE UP. By continuing to show how sorry you are through loving actions, you have the best hope of regaining their love and trust.

Brooke Ryan
Writer
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

You live with your spouse. You see them every day. But why does it feel like lately they have been a million miles away?

How is it possible that this person you know so well has started feeling like a stranger?

And most importantly, how can you get them to come back to you?

There are several reasons why your spouse may have been creating distance from you.

None of these reasons are easy to hear, but the good thing is that you have the POWER to do something about them.

So it’s time to bite the bullet and take a look at the top 5 reasons why your spouse may be pulling away from your marriage, and what you can do about each one:

1. Your spouse doesn’t feel appreciated by you
In a healthy marriage, each spouse feels respected, valued and appreciated by the other.

Your spouse needs to feel that you love them for who they are (despite any faults) and appreciate all the good things they do.

Think about your interactions with your spouse at home. Do you tend to notice all the helpful things they do, or are you mostly complaining about all the things they HAVEN’T done?

When complaints and criticism replace appreciation and respect, the warning bells start to ring.

So if you want to pull your spouse back and form a close connection again, you need to start showing your appreciation for them.

Try your best to let any negatives go during this time and instead focus on your spouse’s positives. You may be amazed at the change in their behavior.

2. Your sex life isn’t great
Sex is also a vital element of a satisfying marriage. With sex comes intimacy, closeness and physical release.

Unfortunately, there are many things that can get in the way of an exciting and fulfilling sex life. Kids, work, tiredness, conflict, differences in sexual desire… the list goes on.

But the effects of a lackluster sex life can be extremely damaging for a marriage. In fact, this is the main reason for which men tend to stray (as well as a smaller percentage of wives).

So if your sex point has hit a low point, it’s important to try to get your ‘mojo’ back.

In order to do this, you may have to talk about it with your spouse. Find a time where you are both calm, have no distractions and are alone, so you can talk in private.

Start the convo gently, letting your spouse know that your sex life is important to you and you’d like to come up with ways that can make it better for both of you.

In your discussion, try to openly express to one another what you are wanting in the bedroom (in terms of sexual preferences, frequency of sex, etc). Listen to what your spouse is saying with no judgments.

Remember, everyone is slightly different when it comes to sex and there is no ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. Instead, it is about working together to come up with the best way to meet each of your needs.

Once you have figured out what you want, identify anything that is currently getting in the way of your sex life, and how you can clear these hurdles together.

As awkward, embarrassed, or vulnerable you may feel bringing sex up, it may be the VITAL step which brings you and your spouse back together.

3. You’ve let yourself go
Think back to the person you were when your partner fell in love with you. Do you still have all the great things going for you that you had back then?

Do you still make an effort to maintain your health, fitness and appearance?

Do you still have an active social life and a few hobbies you’re involved in?

The hard truth is that if you’ve let a lot of these attractive qualities go over the time you’ve been with your spouse, this may be the reason they’ve started to lose interest and pull away from you.

They may still be committed to you, but not feel the same level of love they once did.

If this is the case, it’s time to start getting your most vibrant and attractive self back again!

4. Your spouse has other priorities
Your spouse’s distance from you may be a sign that they are not currently making your marriage a high enough priority, or are struggling to achieve a healthy balance in their life.

A lot of their time and attention may currently be being taken up by work, children, aging parents, friends or hobbies – which leaves little quality time for your marriage.

There’s no way around it – a marriage needs time and attention to work.

So it’s time to have a talk with your spouse about each of your priorities and how you balance your time.

Explain to your spouse how you are feeling and let them know that you would like to have more quality time as a couple.

If there are practical issues getting in the way, such as conflicting work hours or childcare, see how you can negotiate to come up with a better plan – your marriage is worth it.

5. You are not meeting your spouse’s emotional needs
When it comes to saving a marriage, meeting each other’s emotional needs is the CRITICAL point we keep coming back to.

When a spouse feels that their emotional needs are not being met, the warning bells will again start to ring. In fact, this is the situation in which WIVES, in particular, may stray from their husbands.

Feeling neglected, a woman may start to confide in a close male friend or colleague, and before you know it their friendship turns into something physical.

Don’t let this happen to your marriage.

Make sure that you are giving your spouse time and attention, listening to what they have to say, soothing them when they are distressed, and giving them plenty of affection.

Turn TOWARDS your spouse instead of away.

I hope this post has helped you to recognize any danger signs that may have caused your spouse to start pulling away from you – and what you can do to pull them back.

Until next time,

Brooke Ryan
Author
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

When you first get married, it’s IMPOSSIBLE to think that something as mundane as housework could ever destroy the love between you and your beloved, right?

But unfortunately, the sad reality is that the way couples manage household tasks has a MASSIVE impact on their marriage satisfaction and their overall wellbeing.

In fact, sharing household chores has frequently been rated among the TOP THREE factors that determines the success of a marriage – it really is a big deal!

Why? Because the person we marry is the person we have to live with every day.

And if we can’t get the day-to-day things like housework sorted with our spouses, then how are we ever going to be able to tackle the big issues?

Why does housework cause so much conflict?
The reality is that in a lot of marriages these days, both spouses work full time. So you’d think that would mean husbands and wives share the housework and childcare evenly, right?

Wrong. Recent studies have shown that even in families where wives work the same number of hours or more than their husbands, and even earn higher salaries, they STILL take on more of the housework and childcare – creating a significant gender gap.

Of course, there are always exceptions – this is not the case in every modern household. But when one spouse feels they are constantly taking on more of the workload (which is more often the wife), this can put a lot of strain on the marriage.

The thing is, even though men may think that they have ‘changed with the times’, many will have grown up in traditional homes where the housework was always done by their mothers.

And as a result, they may still hold deep-down beliefs about housework being more of a ‘woman’s job’.

Sure, they may help out in their household a lot more than their fathers did.

But the problem with having this mindset is that when these men do pitch in with the housework, they almost feel as if they are doing a special favor to their wives - and therefore expect special praise from their wives in return.

And in addition to this, men frequently tend to OVER-estimate how much housework they do and UNDER-estimate how much their wives do. Their wives, on the other hand, are usually aware of exactly how many household tasks have been done and how many still need to BE done.

So often, instead of receiving the praise they are wishing for, men find that their wives seem to only demand and nag them to do MORE – which makes them feel defensive, unappreciated and even less motivated to do housework.

The thing is though, most wives don’t WANT to be constantly reminding and nagging their husbands to do things. They simply want husbands to take INITIATIVE in the home.

Take this classic example with couple Chris and Sandy:
Sandy: “Chris, why haven’t you done the bathroom yet? You told me you would do it two days ago!”
Chris: “I would do it if you just stopped nagging me for once!”
Sandy: “I would never have to nag you if you just did it without being asked!”

I’m sure that many of you reading this can relate to this scenario. Chris complains about Sandy nagging him, and Sandy complains about Chris not getting things done.

But as much as men hate to be nagged, the unfortunate truth is that many husbands do not realize just how important keeping a tidy home is to their wives, and how DAMAGING their neglect of housework can be to their marriage.

If one spouse feels they are always doing too much of the housework, resentment can escalate to harsh screaming matches, criticism, distrust and a lack of intimacy in their marriage.

Instead of looking forward to when 5 o’clock rolls around, spouses start dreading the thought of coming home at the end of the day. And in the worst case scenario, couples will eventually divorce.

So, how can all of this be avoided? Well, the best solution is simply to put a housework system in place with your spouse, which you are both happy with.

Because when married couples have no clear model for dividing household tasks, they end up bickering about their responsibilities nearly every single day.

So if you want to save your marriage, I highly recommend starting right at the heart of it: in your home.

How can you put a housework system in place in your home?
If you and your husband or wife don’t currently have a clear housework system in place, now’s the time to sit down and come up with a plan.

Tell your spouse that you’d really like to work out a system together that suits you both, and ask for a time that suits them to talk about it.

Remember, the goal of this discussion is to create a sense of teamwork and fairness with your spouse, where both of you end up feeling satisfied with your housework agreement.

Marriage experts John Gottman and Nan Silver recommend writing out a list of all of the household responsibilities in your home with your spouse, including housework, maintenance, mealtimes and childcare (if you have kids).

As a team, write beside each item who is CURRENTLY taking responsibility for this in your home and how you each think this task could IDEALLY be managed in future.

As you go through the list, take into consideration how each person feels about each task. You may find that your spouse hates a particular task while you don’t mind it, and vice versa.

In these cases, you may agree that the person who doesn’t mind it takes responsibility for it. And for tasks you both feel the same about, you may agree to share these or divide them up fairly.

It’s also important to be realistic and take into account the ideal TIMES that suit each of you to do housework.

See how you can work as a team to fit housework and childcare responsibilities around both of your work schedules and outside commitments.

For instance, Mike may offer to cook, do the dishes and put the kids to bed on a Tuesday night so Julie can go to her yoga class. And Julie may do the same for Mark on a Thursday night when he has poker night with his friends.

Bear in mind that you may also have individual preferences about when you are most eager to tackle housework.

One of you may like to get chores done as soon as you get home from work, so that you know you can relax afterwards. While the other may be someone who needs downtime after work, and prefers to do chores after dinner.

Either approach is fine as long as you have discussed your preferences with one another and follow through with your agreement.

So make sure you tackle every task on your piece of paper and come up with an agreement of how they all are going to be managed in future. Put your task list somewhere that you can both easily access whenever you need to (e.g. the kitchen), and thank you spouse for doing this with you.

Once you get into a good routine, it should be a lot easier to each remember your chores and get them done. Remember, by doing the tasks you’ve agreed to do, you are building trust with your spouse.

Note: Even once you have sorted out clear responsibilities in your home, it’s important to remember that you are still part of a team.

So when your spouse is unwell, away, or absolutely rushed off their feet, be prepared to be flexible and ‘we-minded’ enough to take on some of their responsibilities.

How will sharing the housework fairly benefit your marriage?
Well, number one… greater housework leads to greater SEX!

Believe it or not, women report finding a man’s willingness to do housework extremely EROTIC.

In fact, married couples who share the housework actually report having far more satisfying sex lives! So if that isn’t enough motivation for unsatisfied husbands out there, then I don’t know what is.

And this is by no means the only great benefit. Studies have found that in marriages where wives believe their husbands do their fair share of the housework, wives have LOWER heart rates during marital arguments – meaning arguments are less likely to escalate.

And when spouses have a clear understanding when it comes to housework responsibilities, they no longer feel a need to check up on what each other is doing.

As a result, tasks get done, wives do less nagging, husbands do more cooperating, and each spouse feels respected and appreciated for their inputs.

Basically, by working as a team in the home and receiving each other’s appreciation and support, you are much more likely to have a happy home environment.

With a good system in place, you will be able to spend more quality time together, have time for pursuing hobbies and interests, and will both be much more content in your marriage.

I hope that this blog post has helped you to realize how it’s not always the big things that make or break a marriage - it’s those little interactions you have with your spouse every day that are the most important!

Brooke Ryan
Author
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

Do you and your spouse find yourselves constantly fighting about everything when it comes to your children?

Can you never seem to agree on things like discipline, bedtimes, and who can take the kids to sports practice?

If so, you’re not alone. Parenting is challenging, especially when spouses have experienced completely different upbringings.

But letting parenting clashes drive a wedge between you and your spouse will not only cause your marriage to deteriorate, it could also have a serious negative impact on your children.

It’s essential for your marriage and your children’s health and happiness that you and your spouse become a parenting team.

Below are some key guidelines to follow in order to re-establish a connection with your spouse and become united in your parenting.

1. Always back each other up.
Often in marriage, one spouse ends ups being the stricter parent and the other is more lenient. These different styles usually come from differences in their personalities as well as their own childhood upbringings.

For instance, Paul grew up in a strict family in which him and his siblings were kept to a tight routine and were immediately disciplined for any bad behavior.

As a result, he believes that his two young children should be kept to a strict dinner and bedtime routine, with consequences in place if they try to get out of bed.

On the other hand, Maia was the fifth child in her family and experienced quite laid-back parenting, in which she often was allowed to stay up later with her siblings and a lot of ‘naughty’ behavior was shrugged off as just ‘kids being kids’.

As a result, she is less worried about having a set dinner or bedtime for their children and tends to be more lenient with the kids if they get out of bed at night – often reading them another story or letting them have a hot drink.

Although there is nothing wrong with having different parenting styles, this can often cause conflict between spouses if they do not communicate and come up with ways to approach parenting issues as a team.

In the case of Paul and Maia, these differences in their approach to situations such as bedtime have been putting serious strain on their marriage.

Paul feels that Maia is undermining him and making him feel like the ‘bad guy’ when she doesn’t back up the consequences he has set, while Maia feels that Paul is being too hard on the kids and could do with ‘loosening up’.

If they do not find a way to parent as a team, then this could continue to rupture their marriage through the build-up of tension and resentment. And not only this, but their children will also be exposed to unstable parenting and may develop unhealthy behavior patterns.

This is a prime example of why it is so important that parents always back each other in their parenting decisions.

If you don’t do this, it will demonstrate to your children that you are not a unified front, which will lead them to try to undermine your authority and avoid punishment.

To avoid this from happening, try making a rule with your spouse that if one parent disciplines the kids, the other parent must back them up - even if they do not fully agree with the decision at the time (unless the discipline is abusive – in which case you need to put a stop to your spouse’s behavior and seek help immediately).

Alternatively, if you feel that you need a more clear structure in place when it comes to working with your spouse, often a strategy that works well is when a couple agrees that the stricter parent will lead when it comes to discipline – with the more lenient spouse backing up the limits they set.

Please note that this strategy is not designed to give the stricter parent all of the control or mean that their methods are ‘better’ than the more lenient parent’s.

It is simply a more effective way of ‘bridging the gap’ between parenting styles. Because what actually usually happens when this strategy is put in place is that the two spouses gradually become more similar in their parenting over time.

Why? Because when the stricter parent feels that they have their spouse’s support, they will generally become more flexible and generous in parenting, as they stop feeling the need to over-compensate for the leniency of their spouse.

And when the lenient parent sees that their children are benefitting from the structure and firmer rules of the strict parent, they will naturally start to become more firm in their own parenting, while still being kind and considerate.

The end result is that the parents end up being a much stronger parental team, where they are both gentle but firm in their parenting and set the same limits - which is greatly beneficial for their kids.

They will feel that they are in a more safe, settled and predictable environment. And as a result, they will start to listen to their parents more and their behavior will improve.

Another great benefit from this is that spouses also feel more supported by one another and confident in one another’s ability to discipline the children effectively, which brings them closer as relationship partners.

2. Not in front of the kids.
This point follows on from the one above. The best way to discuss parenting issues is when you and your spouse are feeling calm and are alone.

Because when parents argue about parenting decisions in front of their kids, this creates an unsettling environment which could have serious effects on the children’s wellbeing.

The added tension in a household caused by fighting parents will often cause children to start acting out more. But as the parents are too busy blaming each other and focusing on who is ‘right’, their children are not receiving the attention or discipline they need.

Children are good at intuitively picking up when their parents are not on the same page when it comes to discipline, and using this to their advantage. They may try to deliberately cause an argument between their parents, in order to get away with acting out.

And the reality is that their behavior won’t improve if their parents are too busy clashing to set reasonable limits and give their children the discipline they need for misbehavior.

Kids need boundaries, but they don’t have the maturity to set these for themselves. This is your job, as parents.

So make a rule to never argue about your parenting in front of your children.

Always back each other up in front of the kids, and go over any parenting disagreements with your spouse later when you are alone. Or alternatively, distract your children and ask to speak to your spouse in another room.

Keep in mind that your goal is to raise healthy, well-behaved and happy kids. And in order to do this, you need to work together with your spouse.

So it’s important to go into these discussions with a clear head and a will to come to a beneficial resolution.

Having the discussion when you are both really fired up is not going to be productive, so give each other the chance to calm down beforehand if need be.

3. Communicate and listen to each other with respect.
Whenever a parenting issue comes up that you and your spouse disagree on, take a moment to talk about each of your viewpoints on the topic and why you feel this way.

Often, there will be significant reasons underpinning why each of you feels strongly about a certain issue. Again, this comes back to your own upbringings and your visions for the future.

The next time you and your spouse are discussing a parenting issue, try hearing out your spouse’s views without defending, blaming, criticizing, or trying to talk them into your way of doing things.

Listen to what they have to say and recognize your understanding of why the issue is important to them.

If your spouse feels more strongly about it than you do (but you accept their reasoning), tell them that you don’t feel as strongly about it but will support their decision. And hopefully they will do the same when there is something you feel more strongly about.

Remember, there is never ‘one right way’ to do things when it comes to parenting.

If you can respect that your spouse may have thoughts which are different to your own but are every bit as valid, you will become more open to negotiation and finding common ground.

From this point of greater understanding and acceptance of where each other is coming from, you will become more open to different ways of thinking about parenting issues.

You will feel heard, valued and understood by one another, which are crucial elements in getting your marriage back to a healthy place.

4. Make each other’s emotional needs a priority.
It can be easy to get so caught up in all of the demands of child-rearing that you start to neglect the needs of your spouse.

Perhaps the time, love and affection you used to give freely to your spouse seems to now be all used up with the kids, leaving your interactions with your spouse feeling empty and cold.

Right now, the easiest way for you to feel connected to your spouse would be to see them also putting lots of effort into childcare, but they don’t seem to be as dedicated as you do.

Or perhaps you are the opposite spouse. You have tried to connect and be affectionate with your spouse, but they seem to keep pushing you away and leaving their time and energy solely for the kids. Eventually, you give up trying and withdraw your own emotional support.

As this goes on, both spouses end up feeling resentful and neglected. The spouse investing more into childcare may feel unsupported by their spouse, while the withdrawing spouse may feel that their spouse doesn’t care about their marriage anymore.

And soon enough, the marriage starts to fall apart.

The truth is, parenting is a whole lot harder if your own needs are not being met, as you are constantly drained of emotional resources.

You and your spouse need nurturance and affection as well as your children. And the best source you can receive this from is each other.

Meeting each other’s emotional needs will give you and your spouse the strength you need to be good parents.
The more effort you put into meeting your spouse’s needs, the more they will also strive to meet yours. And this will give you both the emotional resources YOU need to be able to give your children the support THEY need.

Remember the love that created your children in the first place.

Don’t let parenting struggles drive you and your spouse apart. Support and love one another in the best ways you can as you go through this challenging but rewarding phase of your life.

Brooke Ryan
Author
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

Marriage counseling (or therapy) is never an experience couples are likely to feel excited about.

Dealing with problems between yourself and someone you love is never easy, and for some the thought of going to counseling sessions with their spouse is terrifying.

But often what we are really afraid of is the unknown. Marriage therapy forces us to face our fears and actually communicate about what is happening in our relationship, with no solid guarantee of a particular outcome.

If you’re someone who thinks that your marriage could benefit from some outside help, but doesn’t know whether it is right for you, below are some important things you should consider.

Included in this advice is how to know when your marriage may be in need of help, what you can do if your spouse isn’t on board with the idea, the role of a marriage therapist, and some things you can (and can’t) expect from marriage counseling.

1. The sooner, the better.
The timing of when troubled spouses decide to go to marriage counseling is extremely important in determining the likely outcome.

Usually a couple will try everything within their power to fix what isn’t working in their relationship on their own – which is a vital first step.

But sometimes spouses may find that despite their best efforts, nothing is changing and the same negative patterns keep recurring.

This is the critical point at which couples need to decide if they want to get outside help; and if so, to do this as soon as possible.

Because the alternatives at this point are to continue to go on with the way things are and become more unhappy and resentful over time, or to make the decision to split.

Why? Because putting it off and waiting until you’re at breaking point can be very costly for your marriage. The more deep-set your problems are, the longer it will take to identify and resolve them.

Contrary to popular belief, marriage counseling and therapy are not just options for marriages that are at ‘crisis point’. Seeing a counselor early is actually going to produce much more positive results than after serious problems have already formed.

But the sad fact is that an average couple might be unhappy for SIX years before seeking counseling. And at this point, irreparable damage to the relationship may have already occurred.

The unfortunate reality is that often by this stage, one spouse has already decided that they want ‘out’ of the relationship, and the chances of them changing their mind during therapy is relatively low.

So I urge you to not wait until it’s too late. Do what you can to try to fix your marital problems on your own first, but look out for the signs that you may be in need of a third person to help.

Don’t let you and your spouse become one of the couples who lets resentment and dissatisfaction poison their marriage for years before seeking help, only to find that they wish they had tried counseling sooner.

Signs that your marriage is in need of outside help:
• You and your spouse are leading virtually separate lives.

• There is a major issue in your marriage which you and your spouse do not agree on or understand each other’s viewpoints about. This may be an issue such as sex, money, children or relations with the in-laws.

• You and your spouse are constantly arguing about the stupidest little things and these arguments quickly turn nasty.

• At least one spouse feels the need for professional help. Whether or not both of you are on board with the idea, if one spouse thinks it’s time to see a counselor or therapist, then it probably is. Obviously, it’s ideal if the other spouse agrees to the therapy idea, but as you will see in the next point there is always the option of one spouse going to counseling alone initially and seeing if the other will join them later.

2. You can go into marriage counseling alone.
Many people believe that marriage counseling will only be beneficial if both spouses want to do it - but this is not the case.

If your spouse is not ready for counselling when you are, taking action and seeing a marriage counselor alone is still going to be much more helpful to your relationship than letting a problem fester.

Why? Because individual therapy can provide valuable insights into your marriage and offer approaches that you may not have considered.

Individual therapy is not about gaining sympathy and passing the blame onto your spouse. It is about taking ownership of your own behavior and looking at ways that you can improve it, in order to positively affect the dynamics of your relationship.

While both spouses must eventually make changes in order for the problem to be completely resolved, it is possible that one spouse can greatly improve their marital relationship simply by changing their own behavior.

Another important thing to note is that even when in individual therapy, a good marriage counselor will always have the best interests of your relationship in mind and will therefore be constantly aware of the voice of your missing spouse.

As a result, they will not take sides or make judgments and the focus of the therapy will always be on what you can change about your OWN behavior, in order to change how you and your spouse relate to one another.

3. Your choice of therapist is important.
In order to gain the most out of marriage counseling, it’s essential that you find a therapist to suit your needs.

You and your spouse may each have an idea about what you are looking for in a counselor, so make sure you communicate these ideas to one another before you start looking so you can narrow your search criteria to suit.

Remember, both spouses need to feel comfortable working with the particular counselor you choose in order for counseling to be effective.

Don’t be afraid to ask potential counselors any questions before you agree to meeting with them, in order to get a sense of whether they will be a good fit for you.

For instance, you may ask them about their experience, credentials, success rate, expectations of clients, or even their own marital status.

If the counselor refuses to answer any of your questions, this is a good indication that you are better off looking for someone else.

And even once you have chosen a marriage counselor who seems like a good fit, be sure to still evaluate their methods during your first few sessions.

Keep in mind that a counselor's responsibility is to your relationship, and that they should be a neutral third party.

Therefore, it’s important to make sure that they give you and your spouse equal time and respect during your sessions, make each of you feel safe, and are able to keep the session under control (even when you may become emotional).

You may find that you go to a couple of sessions and realize that you don’t really gel with their style of therapy. And this is okay – you are completely free to end your sessions there and try another counselor.

Beware of any counselor that tries to get you to commit to working with them for a specific time period or a specific number of sessions at the start, because it’s unrealistic for them to expect this commitment before you’ve had any experience working with him or her.

4. Your therapist is there to guide you to fix your problems, not to fix them for you.
Couples sometimes go into marriage therapy hoping for a miracle cure – where the therapist does all of the work for them and all they have to do is attend.

Unfortunately, therapy is not a miracle cure for your problems and your therapist will not have magical powers either.

What your marriage counselor can do for you, however, is guide you to consider new ways of looking at your relationship, by taking your attention away from what your spouse is doing and turning the focus onto what you are doing and hoping for in your marriage.

Your therapist might offer tools or behavioral suggestions for you to try at home, or suggest possibilities that you and your spouse may not have previously considered.

Your job during the therapeutic process is to be as open, honest and actively engaged as possible as you begin to explore these new possibilities in your marriage.

It is only natural that this may at times make you feel vulnerable and scared, however keep in mind that these feelings are a key part of the healing process.

5. It is best to do some prep before your first appointment.
In your first counseling appointment, some of the first questions your counselor will ask you will be about why you have come to counseling, what is going on in your relationship and what your goals are for therapy.

The therapist will likely also ask a bit about your history and expect you to be willing to be reasonably open and honest about this.

With this in mind, it's worth taking the time alone or with your spouse beforehand to prepare how you’d like to answer some of these questions.

Think about the issues you want to talk about and the goals you want to accomplish during therapy. Be honest with yourself about what you really want to get out of this process, as keeping desires or issues hidden will only hinder the reconciliation process.

As you make a note of your intentions, bear in mind that it’s normal for some of your goals to shift or change as you go through the therapeutic process.

If this happens these goals can be adjusted and communicated to your counselor - you are by no means permanently locked into anything that you say in response to their initial questions.

6. Marriage counseling does not guarantee any particular end result.
The final piece of advice I want to leave you with today is to keep an open mind when going into marriage counseling.

Realize that although marriage therapy is designed to help you and your spouse to communicate and make sense of what’s going on in your marriage, there is no definite end result that it will produce.

And like all things, counseling may take time before any ‘results’ or start to show, so don’t give up if nothing much changes after the first few sessions.

Nobody ever knows exactly what's going to happen at the end of marriage counseling. You might work through the issues and strengthen your relationship, or you might decide the best course of action is to move on.

Regardless, the idea of counseling is to reach a point where you and your spouse each have an understanding and acceptance of your situation.

Brooke Ryan
Author
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

Even in the healthiest of marriages spouses have complaints to make about one another.

It’s true. It’s not the complaints themselves that cause trouble in a marriage, it is the way that spouses HANDLE complaints.

This blog post is written as a bit of a ‘question-and-answer’ session about the dos and don’ts of dealing with any complaints in your marriage.

Because the way that complaints are communicated and responded to in your marriage can have a massive impact on the love and connection between you and your spouse.

If you have any more questions on this topic that have not been answered during the post, please feel free to ask these in the comments box at the end.

First of all, what is a marital complaint usually about?
A marital complaint usually comes up when one spouse is feeling upset by the behavior of the other, or is feeling that one of their emotional needs is not being met.

Whether it is due to an inconsiderate behavior or unmet need, complaints are reflections that something is in the way of a person feeling completely loved by their spouse.

Why do couples often avoid bringing up or addressing complaints?
Spouses usually avoid resolving complaints for the following reasons:

• They are scared of conflict.
• They don’t know how to communicate the problem to their spouse.
• They don’t expect that their spouse will do anything about their complaint.
• They don’t think that their complaint is worthwhile enough to bring up (i.e. they think they should just ‘live with it’).
• They don’t want to hurt their spouse.
• They are worried that their spouse will leave them if they bring up their marital problems.

But the thing is, once a couple has a safe, respectful and clear procedure for going about making complaints to one another in their marriage, it doesn’t feel like something big and scary at all.

Because each spouse can expect their complaints to be listened to, discussed and resolved with the other, without feeling any threat to their relationship.

How do you make a complaint to your spouse, without causing a fight?
Below are the steps to making a loving complaint to your spouse, which reduce the likelihood of your spouse reacting in a defensive and hurtful way.

• Make a thoughtful request, rather than a demand.
A thoughtful request is considerate of your spouse’s feelings, while a demand is not.

Even though your complaint may be about an aspect of your spouse’s behavior that is upsetting you, avoid framing your complaint in a blaming or criticizing way.

Make the problem about you (rather than your spouse), by framing it in a way that focuses on how YOU are feeling as a RESULT of something your spouse has or has not been doing.

Thoughtfully request the way in which you would like your spouse’s behavior to change to meet your needs, and how this change in behavior would make you feel loved, respected and cared for.

For instance, “Babe, I know you are probably just trying to help when you remind me about the housework that needs doing, but to be honest it actually makes me feel a little offended and unappreciated when you do this.

It makes me feel like you have no faith in my ability to take care of what needs doing without being reminded.

It would make me feel really loved and appreciated if, instead of reminding me about the housework, you trusted that I would do this myself and made an effort to show appreciation for the housework that I do.

In return, I will do my best to keep on top of what needs doing each day and fit in what I can after work, and to always show appreciation for the housework that you do”.

This type of request is a lot more reasonable and considerate than a DEMAND, such as; “You need to stop telling me to do the housework all the time. I hate hearing it and it makes me feel really angry.”

• Communicate your complaint clearly and calmly.
Make sure that when you make your complaint to your spouse, you are feeling calm and in control – NOT on the verge of an angry outburst.

Bombarding your spouse with negative emotion will only make them get emotional and defensive in return.

If your SPOUSE does not respond positively to what you have to say, resist your urge to ‘fight back’ and instead simply end the discussion for now.

You can bring up the problem again later (again in a calm and respectful way), in the hope that your spouse will have cooled down and will be ready to address the issue in a calmer manner.

• Respect your spouse’s perspective.
Once you have stated your complaint, ask your spouse for their perspective on the problem and listen respectfully to what they have to say.

Listen to how your spouse is viewing the situation and identify how their views may be different to your own – neither of you has to be ‘right’.

Also identify whether there is anything that is making it difficult for your spouse to meet your needs in this particular area.

• Come up with a mutually beneficial solution.
Even if the problem may be about something your spouse has done to upset you, you both need to take an active part in coming to a solution.

Discuss the problem with your spouse and come up with a solution together that works for both of you and fully solves the problem.

Make sure you do keep discussing the issue until you have come to a solution - leaving it in the ‘too-hard’ basket won’t help.

Bear in mind that the outcome should always be mutually beneficial. It should not be something which helps one spouse but hurts the other (i.e. neither spouse should have to make a significant sacrifice).

Remember, if nothing is resolved, the problem is likely to continue and it will only lead to feelings of resentment.

• Reconnect with your spouse.
Show appreciation for the fact that your spouse listened to your complaint and worked with you to come to a solution.

Recognize that they may be feeling a little low after realizing that they have been letting you down in some way, so show them love, care, forgiveness and affection.

Why should you take your spouse’s complaints seriously?
There’s no denying that it can hurt when your spouse makes a complaint, as we don’t always like to be confronted with our behavior.

But disregarding your spouse’s complaints will only turn their complaints into resentment, which will start to eat away at the love between you.

And when you do not take their complaints on board, they only become less likely to take YOUR complaints on board.

Even if a complaint sounds unreasonable, bear in mind that there is something within your spouse that has made them upset and driven that complaint.

Sometimes, it is up to us to decipher what the need is that our spouse is trying to express to us, behind any pain or anger.

Why is it essential to respond to your spouse’s complaints immediately?
Your spouse’s complaints need to be addressed as quickly as possible, and action needs to be taken to solve the problem.

If problems are not talked about and addressed as soon as they come up, this can have many undesirable outcomes for your marital relationship.

Unresolved issues can build up over time, leading to demands, criticisms, angry outbursts and resentment.

When issues are addressed immediately, however, marriages only become stronger and the bond between spouses is strengthened rather than dissolved.

This means being prepared to change your behavior to meet your spouse’s needs.

Why is being prepared to change for each other essential for keeping your love alive?
By each adapting your behavior to resolve one another’s complaints, you and your spouse are ensuring that each of your emotional needs will continue to be met.

When we take on the attitude of “I am what I am, and if my spouse can’t handle it, that’s their problem”, we are not thinking with the best interests of our marriage at heart.

We don’t change to meet our spouse’s needs, our spouse doesn’t change to meet our needs, and the love between us gradually declines.

Marriage is about give-and-take, and that means being able to constantly respond and adapt to one another’s needs.

By maintaining high expectations of one another rather than ‘living with’ dissatisfaction, you and your spouse are communicating that you hold one another in high regard and expect only the best from each other.

Rather than getting complacent, you are constantly working to improve your marriage and are not letting problems dissolve your love.

Each of you recognizes that in order to maintain a happy, loving marriage, each spouse has to feel that their emotional needs are being met by the other.

What if you feel your spouse’s requests are unreasonable?
At times, you may feel that something your spouse asks of you is unreasonable; such as asking for more than you can practically give, or asking you to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable.

In this situation, let your spouse know that what they are asking is not possible and explain why.

However, let them know that you are willing to negotiate with them to try to come up with an agreement of a more reasonable way in which you could adapt your behavior to satisfy their needs.

It may be that there is a way in which your spouse can also make some compromises in order to help you to meet their need.

For instance, say that your spouse’s complaint is that they would like to have more sex than you are currently having.

Although you would also like to be able to have more sex, the problems for you in meeting this request are that often by the time your spouse gets home at night, you’re already feeling exhausted after going to work, doing all of the dishes and laundry that needs doing and putting the kids to bed.

At this point, sex is that last thing you feel in the mood for.

However, if you could communicate to your spouse that being too exhausted from these tasks is the reason you do not feel in the mood for sex as often as you’d like to, they may be prepared to try to lighten your load.

For instance, perhaps they could change their hours at work so that they are home earlier to help with the housework and childcare.

Or perhaps they could get the kids ready and do a bit of housework before they leave in the morning, to take the pressure off you.

Whatever the complaint is, negotiate with your spouse until you both feel that you have resolved the issue in a positive way.

I hope that you have learned from this post just how ESSENTIAL it is to address complaints as soon as they arise, in order to keep feelings of love and affection alive in your marriage.

All the best,

Brooke Ryan
Author
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

In our marriage consultations, we are often asked for advice on what spouses should do when they feel that there is no ‘passion’, ‘chemistry’, or ‘spark’ left in their marriage.

At this point, couples are usually reporting a large decline in their sex life, a lack of physical affection, and general feelings of not being ‘in love’ anymore.

Does this sound like your marriage?

If so, you may be experiencing feelings of confusion, disappointment and loss, while wondering how the passion you used to feel so STRONGLY with your spouse has disappeared.

If this has been going on for some time, you and your spouse may even have questioned whether your marriage can be saved.

With your marital relationship feeling empty, lifeless and tense, it can be easy to wonder whether the grass would be greener on the other side, and think about calling it quits.

And let’s be real here: a lack of chemistry CAN make loving your spouse feel a lot harder. But should loss of passion signal the end of your marital relationship?

Before you draw any hasty conclusions, remind yourself of these four points:

1. It’s natural for passion to decline in marriage.
Although passion and intense sexual attraction plays a very important role in the courtship and early stages of a relationship, it is not designed to last.

This is because passionate love is a large drain on our physical and emotional energy. It is actually IMPOSSIBLE for your body to keep this up for an extended amount of time without getting burnt out.

As a result, passion usually gives way to comfort over time.

This is not a bad thing – it’s just that it’s hard for passion and comfort to exist at the same time.

This is because while comfort is a symbol of stability, the very thing that IGNITES passion is friction and instability.

For instance, having to do long-distance with your partner, going through a traumatic event together, or going through a period of high conflict and emotional intensity.

If you look at these circumstances in which passion arises, none of them sound very appealing. In fact, the thought of being able to come home to a dependable spouse each night actually sounds like the better option by far.

The truth is, passion is usually brief, intense and rocky, whereas comfort may be less exciting but is it also more nurturing in the long run.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t have any passion in your marriage once you are settled together – you absolutely can. It’s just that it may never be as intense as you each may have first experienced it.

The trials of everyday life can also take a toll on your marital relationship – as you will know, married life isn’t always sweet and carefree.

Sometimes there are periods in your life where a whole lot of stressful things are going on at once and you are so run off your feet that your relationship gets put on the backburner.

This is natural and a pure result of the fact that you and your spouse are sharing the realities of life together – the good and the bad.

So having this reduction in passionate feelings for one another is NOT a sign to give up on your marriage.

What it means is that your relationship needs some focused care and nurturing right now, so your connection can gradually re-grow.

For more information about the way that love changes and develops, see How love and intimacy changes over time.

2. You can CHOOSE to love your spouse.
At this stage in your relationship when the passion-creating hormones have died down, loving your partner becomes a CHOICE.

Perhaps it has come to your attention lately that your spouse actually has more undesirable attributes and habits than you thought.

You’ve made the unfortunate realization that your spouse is actually an imperfect human like the rest of us.
Sure, your spouse does have flaws.

But I can assure you that ANY person you could be in a relationship with would have annoying characteristics which would show themselves with time.

No-one is perfect, and more often than not, the grass is NOT greener on the other side.

So instead of wondering what else is out there, CHOOSE to appreciate your spouse for all of their positive and unique qualities. What is it that makes them a good husband or wife?

The more that you choose to focus on your spouse’s positive attributes, the more ‘in love’ with them you will begin to feel.

Remember, we all need positive feedback and showing your appreciation for the things your spouse does for you can be really meaningful for them.

And if there are a few things your spouse could work on, why not support them to try and make these improvements and reach for their goals?

The more your spouse feels your support, appreciation and commitment, the more motivated they will be to re-establish a close connection with you.

3. This stage in your relationship is an opportunity for self-discovery.
When the chemistry has fizzled out in your relationship, it is natural to make the assumption that something is ‘missing’ between you and your spouse.

But what you need to ask yourself is; is it my MARRIAGE that’s the problem, or is it my LIFE that I am unhappy with?

Is something missing in your relationship, or is something missing within YOURSELF?

Research shows us that people who report having higher life satisfaction also report being happier in their marriages.

And although your marital satisfaction DOES influence your life satisfaction, your life satisfaction also impacts on how satisfied you are in your marriage.

When we are happy within ourselves and have many things in our lives which give us meaning and purpose (e.g. in our career, hobbies and relationships with family and friends), this usually flows over into our relationships.

With more love inside, we have more love to give.

But when we aren’t receiving enough satisfaction within these areas of our lives, it can be easy to start blaming our feelings of dissatisfaction on our spouses.

This is because when other areas in our lives aren’t going so well, a common response is to look to your SPOUSE to meet all of your needs which are not being met.

And when your spouse doesn’t live up to these unrealistic expectations you have set, feelings of disappointment and resentment grow.

If this is the case in your marriage, it’s time to relieve your spouse of the impossible burden of taking care of all of your needs, and start taking some responsibility for these yourself.

This point in your marriage is actually a great opportunity to turn the focus inwards and work on increasing your self-confidence and happiness with your own life.

At this time, think about your needs, your goals, your aspirations and how satisfied you are with each area of your life right now, and encourage your spouse to do the same.

You just might find that when you stop focusing on what is wrong with your marriage, you actually make some amazing self-discoveries.

For instance, perhaps you discover that you are actually really unhappy in your current job and would love a career change.

The next step is to discuss these revelations with your spouse, and figure out the best plan for you to make steps towards change, with your spouse’s support.

Just make sure that you go into this discussion with a gentle approach and be prepared to negotiate with your spouse.

Remember, any changes to your life will affect your relationship – so make sure that these changes will only be BENEFICIAL to your marriage.

4. Attraction CAN be re-sparked.
Even if you feel like there is no chemistry between you and your spouse right now, know that this by NO means dictates the end of all attraction in your relationship.

Time and time again I have been witness to a married couple going from being on the brink of divorce to re-discovering their love for one another.

This didn’t happen by itself though - marriage is something that you need to keep working at, especially during the hard times.

As discussed above, passion usually gives way to comfort as your marriage progresses.

And although your relationship may feel like it has fallen past the point of ‘comfort’ and into the point of discontentment, the great thing is that if you can get through this lull, your love will be able to grow even DEEPER than before.

You and your spouse will be bonded by the fact that you sailed through these rough waters, didn’t give up and came out of it together.

And in doing so, you will have developed a greater understanding, respect and appreciation for one another.
So how can the attraction between you and your spouse be re-sparked?

It’s all about taking SMALL STEPS to reconnect.

Right now, you are probably feeling like your needs for affection and closeness are not being met, due to the distance between you and your spouse.

But you can PAVE the way to re-sparking the love in your marriage, by giving your spouse the affection they are CRAVING from you, deep down.

For example, putting your arm around your spouse on the couch, making them a cup of coffee in the morning, or putting up a newly framed picture of the two of you, to show you care.

You can ‘re-learn’ how to love your spouse by putting in the effort to spend quality time with them doing the things you both enjoy, trying out new things together, and making goals as a couple.

Having goals to strive towards in your marriage helps to maintain a strong connection between you and keep excitement alive.

Try initiating a discussion with your spouse about what you want to achieve in your future together.

It might be saving for a holiday, working towards a new house, doing something special with your kids, or entering a half-marathon together – there’s nothing that can spark chemistry more than working out with your spouse!

Remember that the only way attraction can grow is if you and your spouse make time for one another, as leading completely separate lives will only drive you further apart.

And quality time means having time away from the kids, friends, co-workers and other distractions – time that is purely just for the two of you.

I know this time can be really hard to factor in when life is hectic!

But only in this alone time do you and your spouse have a chance to re-discover one another (even if it feels a little like you are just ‘friends’ right now).

Give it time, and try not to get consumed by negative thinking.

Instead, give love a chance to grow.

Brooke Ryan
Author
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

Today’s exercise is about learning how to control your reactions to your spouse - a step which is absolutely VITAL in your efforts to save your marriage.

The fact is that you can’t control your spouse’s behavior. But you can control your REACTIONS to your spouse’s behavior.

And if these reactions change for the better, the outcomes will also become more positive.

But if you DON’T change your reactions to your spouse’s negative behavior, the same consequences will emerge and the same dysfunctional loop will keep happening.

It’s true that sometimes the things our spouses do and say sometimes make us want to scream, throw something, curl up into a ball or tear our hair out.

But while we are focusing so much of our energy on being upset with our spouses, what we don’t often consider is how our REACTIONS are actually CONTRIBUTING to the problem.

It is THESE reactions that we are going to target today.

Remember, you can’t change your spouse. So although this exercise is not designed to ‘excuse’ any of your spouse’s negative behavior, it is about focusing on what YOU can change.

It is about doing what is in YOUR control to save your marriage.

Because if you are waiting around for your spouse to change, your marriage is simply a ticking time-bomb.

Before I introduce the ‘Take Action on Your Reactions!’ exercise, we are going to first take a look at the four weapons of lethality to a marriage.

In my marriage consultations, I have found that spouses frequently use these weapons against one another in unhappy marriages.

The first of these lethal weapons is Criticism.

What you need to know is that there is a MAJOR difference between a criticism and a complaint.

While a complaint focuses on the specific behavior which the complainer is unhappy with, criticism is more of a global attack on the person’s character or personality.

A criticism of someone’s character cuts a lot deeper than a complaint about something they have done, as it suggests that the problem is with the person as a whole.

This is why criticism is so LETHAL to a marriage. It gives the message that the attacker’s negative feelings about their spouse run a lot deeper than the problem at hand.

The second of these lethal weapons is Contempt.

Contempt is the worst of the four lethal weapons because it conveys DISGUST.

And when someone feels that their spouse is DISGUSTED with them, it is as if all of the love and respect has disappeared from their marriage.

In fact, nothing will turn off a spouse’s attraction faster than if their spouse is treating them with disgust.

Contemptuous behavior includes the use of sarcasm, eye-rolling, cynicism, name-calling, sneering, mockery and hostile humor.

It is fueled by negative thoughts that have been simmering for a long time.

Contempt is POISONOUS to any marital relationship. It will only lead to greater conflict and emotional distance between spouses.

Now we come to our third weapon of lethality: Defensiveness.

Defensiveness occurs when a person rejects their spouse’s complaints or accusations by saying things such as; “No I didn’t”, “That’s not true” and taking up a defensive body position.

By doing this, the defensive person attempts to take any blame away from themselves.

But rather than making the accuser back down and apologize, acting defensively usually PROVOKES the accuser further, as it disregards or invalidates their complaints and also puts blame back onto them.

As a result, the accuser usually tries to up their attack by adding more to their argument, which makes the defensive spouse respond with increased defensiveness.

Therefore, the conflict is only ESCALATED, with neither spouse taking responsibility for their part in the problem. And both are left feeling all the more frustrated with one another.

The last in our line-up of lethal weaponry is Stonewalling.

Stonewalling is usually the last of these four love-killing weapons to come into a marriage.

Stonewalling is when a spouse deliberately becomes unresponsive to their partner, emotionally disengaging from the marriage.

When stonewalling, a person acts as if their spouse is not there. They stop reacting to what their spouse does or says and therefore do not play an active role in trying to repair any marriage problems.

Stonewalling happens as a result of someone feeling overwhelmed by the force of their spouse’s negativity, so they simply TUNE OUT from what is happening.

Men are more likely to stonewall than women, which psychologists claim to be due to men generally finding it harder to express emotion and respond to high emotional intensity from their partners.

But whether it is the husband, wife, or both spouses stonewalling in their marriage, it is a sign of serious trouble.

Although stonewalling may prevent a fight from taking place, it also prevents any marriage problems from being fixed.

Now that you’ve got an idea of the behaviors which wreak havoc on marriages, it’s time to complete the exercise below.

‘Take Action on Your Reactions!’ exercise:

1. Draw a line down the center of a piece of paper.

2. On the left hand side, write down ALL of the things you can think of that your spouse does to upset or annoy you.

3. On the right hand side of the paper, write down beside each of your spouse’s upsetting behaviors your own REACTIONS to these behaviors.

And I want you to be COMPLETELY honest with yourself here. How to you react each time your spouse leaves you all of the dishes, doesn’t help to get the kids ready, gets home drunk, blames you for something you didn’t do, or whatever else drives you up the wall.

4. Next, cover up the side of the paper that has the list of your spouse’s behaviors on it. Now what you are left with is a list of your own reactions to your spouse.

You may be shocked to find that some of these reactions look quite harsh and destructive when they are not placed next to your spouse’s behavior.

5. For each of your REACTIONS you have written on your list, identify if you can see any evidence of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling in them.

6. Each time you have identified these behaviors in your reactions, think of a healthier alternative that you could have used in the situation.

How could your reactions be changed to be more positive and constructive?

Write down these more helpful reactions on a new sheet of paper.

Note: Read through the notes below to help you.

Fostering change in your reactions:

• First things first. Think about how you are feeling when your spouse does some of the things which upset you.

Like every other human being on the planet, I can only imagine that at these times, you become hit with a wave of emotion.

You may feel hot, angry and venomous, or completely crushed and engulfed with pain and sadness – especially if your spouse has ‘attacked’ you with a lot of their own emotion.

Either way, when you are feeling this level of negative emotion you are in no state to be interacting with your spouse in a constructive way.

If you respond to your spouse now, you are most likely to only be fighting pain with pain and will not have a clear enough head to gather your thoughts.

If you are feeling very angry or hurt and overwhelmed, recognize that you need space to ‘cool down’ before you respond to your spouse.

It’s important to let your spouse know that you need this space right now but have every intention to continue this conversation once you have calmed down.

For example; “I want to talk with you about this but I need some space to cool down right now. Can we meet back in 10 minutes to talk?”

If you can demonstrate this self-control, you will be amazed at the positive results for your relationship and your own wellbeing.

• Communicate your true thoughts and feelings to your spouse with clarity and respect.

It is okay to communicate that you have been hurt by your spouse, but make sure you do this by making a complaint about the specific behavior you have been hurt by, rather than your spouse as a PERSON.

To do this try to always use “I” statements which focus on how YOU feel, as a result of your spouse’s behavior.
For example;

“I feel really hurt and disappointed when you have dinner without me before I get home. Having dinner together is important to me because it’s a time that we get to sit down and talk to each other. I try really hard to leave work as early as possible to get home in time for dinner, so when I get home and you have already eaten I feel lonely and rejected.”

This kind of explanation will come across a lot better than a ‘blaming’ statement, such as;

“You always just eat dinner without me without out even thinking of how I’d feel. You’re so selfish”.

Using “I” statements does not guarantee that your spouse will not react with any defensiveness, but they will at least understand your feelings about this issue and why it is upsetting you.

Remember, you and your spouse have nothing to gain by holding back your true feelings and leaving issues unresolved. It’s true: communication IS the key.

• If your spouse tells you that something you have been doing has been hurting them, fight back your immediate impulse to respond with defensiveness.

Try to remain calm and listen to everything your spouse has to say. You may disagree with some of your spouse’s viewpoints, but their feelings are real and should not be disregarded.

Accept responsibility for your own behavior and apologize sincerely, not matter how hard this may be to do.

If there is a specific reason for this behavior, clearly explain this to your spouse so that they understand (but make sure you are still accepting responsibility for YOUR hurtful behavior and are not blaming your spouse).

Lead the way in showing your spouse that it is okay to admit you’ve done wrong.

Now that you will have identified more constructive ways you could reaction to your spouse’s behavior, continue to follow the steps of the exercise below:

7. Read through the list of your spouse’s upsetting behaviors again, but this time match each behavior to one of the new, more constructive reactions you have written down.

If you want to, you can brainstorm here about how changing these reactions may affect the outcomes of your interactions with your spouse.

8. In future, every time your spouse shows these same behaviors, try to use the positive reaction alternative you have written down.

Take note of how making these changes to your own behavior affects your interactions with your spouse.

Specifically, when you react in more constructive ways, how does your spouse react? Is their behavior improving a result of yours?

Regardless of what your spouse may be at fault for, if you take responsibility for any destructive behaviors YOU have been contributing to your relationship, your spouse is more likely to start taking responsibility for THEIR actions.

Although change may be gradual, your self-control, effort and personal strength WILL pay off in the long run.
Problems are much more likely to be resolved and there is a greater chance of restoring the love you once had with your spouse.

So be strong, be kind to yourself and celebrate any small successes you have with your spouse.

By completing this exercise, you have just taken a massive step towards saving your marriage!

Until next time,

Brooke Ryan
Author,
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

Do you often feel controlled by your spouse? Do you feel that your spouse has all of the power in your marriage, and that you are under their ‘command’?

An imbalance of control in a marriage is a major sign that the relationship is in ill-health.

Over-control is when one spouse (husband or wife) tries to make the other do things, think, or feel a certain way, rather than accepting the natural differences that exist between them.

When the controller’s husband or wife does not act as they wish, they bring about some type of punishment.
This punishment does not have to be physical. It can be emotional, mental, financial, or sexual.

When their spouse complies, the controller feels a sense of power and enjoyment. This emotional reward reinforces their controlling behavior.

In the meantime, the spouse being controlled becomes filled with resentment, fear and unhappiness.
If spouses do not have freedom and equal responsibility in a marriage because one person has all of the control, love will have no space to grow and will eventually die.

Warning signs of an unhealthy, controlling relationship:
- You feel afraid to express your opinions, wants or needs to your spouse
- Your spouse is extremely demanding and jealous
- Your spouse makes fun of your ideas when you do speak your mind
- Your spouse makes you feel guilty for having a life outside of the relationship
- You are afraid of your spouse’s temper and avoid doing anything to make him or her angry
- You find yourself making excuses for your spouse’s behavior to others
- Your friends and/or family have expressed concerns about your relationship
- Your spouse tries to control what you do and who you spend time with
- Your spouse has threatened to hurt or leave you
- You feel more free to be yourself when your spouse isn’t around

If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, this is a sign that your marital relationship is unhealthy and changes need to be made.

Changing the power dynamics of your relationship will be hard, especially if this is the way things have been for some time. But it is not impossible – you CAN get back the love you once had with your spouse.

Why do people endure being controlled in relationships?
People crave respect, especially from those that they love. They want to be accepted by their spouse, and may go out of their way to try and earn their respect and acceptance.

This can fall into a vicious cycle; where the person being controlled is constantly trying to please their spouse and their spouse is continuously demanding more of them.

Although the ‘pleaser’ may start to resent their spouse’s controlling nature, by this stage they may be unwilling to confront or set boundaries with their spouse because they are too afraid of their spouse’s reaction and what it could do to the relationship.

Because confrontation and saying “No” is too hard, the person being controlled finds it easier to give in to the demands of their spouse.

Eventually, this becomes a routine.

What happens to a spouse who is being controlled?
When a person continuously has their opinions, values and needs de-valued, they gradually lose their sense of identity and self-respect.

Without any power in their relationship, they are left feeling helpless and insecure.

Eventually, a person being controlled by their spouse will usually hit a point of frustration that leads to defiance, resentment, and rebellion against their spouse.

When this goes on for a long time without anything changing or being worked out, this resentment can turn into hatred, which poisons the marriage and kills love between spouses.

Likewise, if a person keeps suffering in silence while waiting for a ‘miraculous’ change in their spouse, the situation will usually only get worse. In the worst case, they will become lost and never rediscover who they were.

If you want to save your marriage, you can't ALLOW your spouse to continue abusing you. Your spouse needs to experience the consequences of their behavior in order to change.

Become aware of any control-enabling behaviors
The truth is, by continuing to cater to the unreasonable demands of your controlling spouse, you are actually reinforcing and enabling their dysfunctional behavior.

Spending all of your time and energy trying to please your spouse while your own needs remain unmet is not doing you any favors. In fact, it will only cause you to lose self-respect and to become more resentful of your spouse.

Living in a ‘victim’ mindset is not going to help you either. Blaming your spouse does not make the problem go away, nor does it account for any of our own actions which may be contributing to it.

But by breaking free from the need to gain your spouse’s approval, you will also stop allowing yourself to be controlled.

Remember, YOU have power over your thoughts, desires, choices, attitudes, actions and reactions. You can make the CHOICE to stop feeling helpless and start taking some responsibility for what is happing in your marital relationship.

Continuing to suffer in silence is not love, nor is it a healthy way of life.

Why setting firm boundaries with your spouse is essential for the health of your marriage:
If you are feeling abused by your spouse’s controlling behavior, you need to stop enabling this behavior and instead set firm limits which will protect you and help to bring about change.

In order for your spouse to ‘wake up’ and realize what he or she is doing to your relationship, they need to start having CONSEQUENCES for their controlling behavior. Because until now, they may have been continuously getting away with it.

Setting boundaries is about telling our spouse where we stand, what we believe, what we like and don’t like, and what we want.

It lets your spouse know that you are in control of yourself and have your own individual needs – you are not living to serve them.

Even if what is happening is not your fault, you need to do what is in YOUR power to break this destructive cycle of control in your marriage. If you are waiting for your SPOUSE to change, you will never see any progress.

Remember, setting boundaries is NOT selfish. Nor is it a way of CONTROLLING, fixing or punishing your spouse.

Boundaries are not about stopping someone else’s behavior, they are about your own self-control, self-respect and taking ownership of your life.

Many people believe that being a good spouse means constantly putting your spouse’s needs before your own. But this is NOT the case - complying with what is going on for the sake of ‘peace’ is actually the OPPOSITE of love.

But by mustering the strength to set healthy boundaries with your spouse and have appropriate consequences if these are broken, yours chances of rekindling the love in your marriage are greatly increased.

How to set boundaries with a controlling spouse:
Words are the clearest way in which you can communicate your boundaries to your spouse.

When your spouse is making unreasonable demands of you or doing something you disagree with (such as trying to force his or her opinion on you or make you act in a certain way), you need to start using the word “No” – the clearest verbal boundary.

Don’t allow yourself to get caught up trying to explain yourself to your spouse, or engaging in explosive, abusive arguments.

Back your boundaries up with clear consequences - otherwise your spouse will find out that they can overstep them whenever they want to.

Keep the consequences appropriate to the behavior and remember that boundaries are about yourself, not about changing your spouse’s behavior.

So, for example, rather than saying to your spouse “You can’t speak to me that way” (which is controlling), you could say “If you speak to me in that way, I will walk out of the room. I will talk to you again once you have calmed down”.

This threat is completely enforceable because the only behavior it directs is the behavior of the person who is setting the boundary.

You can also use physical boundaries, such as putting distance between you and your spouse when you are feeling unsafe or need space to ‘cool down’ after an argument.

If you do put space between you and your spouse, just make sure that you come back and try to resolve the issue once you have both had a chance to calm down and gather your senses.

Otherwise, extended physical distance could add further harm to your marriage.

Note: If your spouse ever physically or sexually abuses you, you need to remove yourself from their presence and seek help IMMEDIATELY. This behavior is NOT okay and requires professional intervention.

Emotional distance is a boundary that you can use when you have been deeply hurt by your spouse, feel that you can’t safely trust them and need some space for your own protection.

However, it should be used only as a temporary measure that can prevent you from having any further hurt, until you are ready to confront your spouse and work things out.

It is important to clearly communicate to your spouse when you are taking spouse emotional ‘time-out’ and why.
For instance, saying things like; “I love you, but I don't trust you right now”, “I can't be close with you until we work this out”, “We can work on becoming close again, when you are serious about getting help.”

Although your spouse may react in an angry manner when you start setting limits with them (as they may not be used to this), stand your ground and stay true to yourself.

Be firm with your boundaries and follow through with the appropriate consequences if your spouse’s behavior gets out of hand.

Remember, by doing this you are actually HELPING your spouse and your relationship to grow. If you cave now, nothing is going to change and your connection to your spouse will slowly disintegrate.

When your spouse RESPECTS the boundaries you have set, engage with them and reinforce their positive behavior by saying “Thank you” and showing affection.

For instance, ‘Thank you for taking the time to listen to what I have to say”.

The power is in YOUR hands to stop enabling and start SAVING your marriage – are you going to use it?

Brooke Ryan,
Author.
SaveMyMarriageToday.com