Are You In Denial?

M. Scott Peck, the author of “The Road Less Traveled”, says that the tendency to avoid problems and emotional suffering is the primary basis of human mental illness. According to him, “some of us will go to extraordinary lengths to avoid our problems and the suffering they cause.”

I have to agree – the Save My Marriage team handles a lot of couples who experience some form of sickness in their marriages because they have trouble facing the reality of their problems.

Denial is a defensive mechanism that serves to protect us from external circumstances. All people experience this at one point or another, but the problem is when couples are so stuck in denial that they can’t muster the strength to find a solution.

Resisting Change

In marriage, this denial often occurs when serious problems begin to creep into the relationship. A lot of couples go into a state of shock because they’re unaware that relationships naturally go through different phases.

In our “Save My Marriage Today” book, we call this as the Life Cycle of a marriage.

The first stage of marriage is characterized by romance and infatuation. During this time, couples are extremely passionate about each other and get caught up in a tide of intense emotions.

However, Peck states that this is not true love and even believes romance to be a harmful myth. He probably saw it as such because people often assume in the beginning that their feelings of infatuation will last forever and that their partner will always remain perfect.

During the next stage, known as “reality check”, they’ll begin to see each other’s flaws and realize that their marriage is not the ideal relationship that they assumed it was.

This is why a lot of couples go into denial. When the illusion is shattered, they fall into an intense period of disbelief.

Swallowing The Bitter Pill

As you your personalities and values begin to clash, will you accept this reality and discuss it with your spouse? Or are you going to sweep it under the rug and keep it out of sight?

Denying the existence of your marital issues is only going to make them worse. Your differences will resurface at some point in time, and you can only run from your problems for so long.

Maybe it’s hard to acknowledge the imperfection of your marriage because you think that it’s the same as admitting you’ve failed as a spouse.

Perhaps you believe that your friends have perfect marriages and you feel ashamed for having to deal with marital issues.

If you feel this way, you should stop comparing your situation to others because I can tell you right now that NO couple is perfect. To some extent, everyone has trouble in their own marriages – even if you don’t see it.

Those Things That Hurt, Instruct

Remember that it’s human nature to make mistakes, especially when it comes to marriage. More importantly, don’t be afraid to admit that your marriage wasn't the perfect relationship that you once thought it was.

Try to see it this way: challenges can be your greatest teacher. Though you don’t have total control over what happens to you, you have the absolute power to decide how to make the most of your circumstances and learn from them.

Every marriage goes through change. However, the difference between a happy couple and a miserable one is that only the former chooses to embrace the imperfection of their relationship.

Remember: marriages stuck in denial can’t move on to the other stages of its life cycle.

As soon as you stop resisting the reality of imperfection, you can start taking the necessary steps to save your marriage. For instance, you can see a counselor, learn how to strengthen your relationship, or sign up for a marriage-saving course such as ours.

Taking these measures will help you accept one another for the people you’ve become. In time, you’ll learn how to work around your differences, and even agree to disagree.

Ultimately, imperfection in a marriage is inevitable, just like everything else in life. What matters is how you choose to deal with it.

By making the right choice, you’ll reach a higher level of emotional and spiritual development – even if you get hurt along the way.

What If Your Spouse Is NOT On Board With The Relationship?

Among the numerous consultations we handle daily, one of the most common cases we get is wherein one of the spouses is absent in the relationship.

This could be caused by a general feeling of disillusionment with the marriage or exasperation over a partner’s behavior. Whether one of them has moved out or is still there but acting very distant, it’s difficult for the other person to deal with this change in their marriage.

And so the usual problem is that the partner who wants to make things work becomes frustrated from the their spouse's lack of interest in saving their marriage.

Then, the struggling spouse begins to entertain thoughts of hopelessness and the desire to throw in the towel.

However, just because the frustrated spouse may have these cataclysmic feelings, it doesn't mean they have to let it fester in their consciousness. When a certain type of emotion is nurtured, there's a tendency for it to snowball and gather critical mass.

If you're going through this situation, read on...

Regaining Your Personal Power

The negative thoughts swirling in your head can ATTRACT similar thoughts until you develop a crippling mindset which will taint your outlook with hopelessness. Don’t give in to this pattern – acknowledge your emotions for what they are and move on to a constructive course of action.

Remember, the mind is capable of exaggerating your worst fears; don’t let it play tricks on you. As powerless as you might feel, you can regain control of your emotions by realizing that you have the power to feed an emotion or DISMISS it.

While you don’t have total control over the circumstances in your life (such as an estranged spouse), you'll always have control over your reactions to them. Empowering yourself with this important truth is the first step to improving your marriage – along with your life in general.

Start by transforming yourself. A happy, positive and loving person attracts people and inspires change in them - even if might take some time.

If your spouse doesn’t want to be on-board with the relationship, that is their choice. He or she needs to realize their accountability in the relationship and how they’ve contributed to the state of your marriage.

In case your spouse refuses to see a counselor, go ahead and set up an appointment for yourself anyway. At the very least, a trained professional will allow you to vent your emotions and process them constructively (as opposed to sulking).

A specialist will also help you focus on the core issues that are troubling your marriage so that you don’t develop a narrow-minded view of your situation.

Get Validation From Your Life, Not Just Your Marriage

Furthermore, tap into the areas of your life so that your troubled marriage doesn't make you feel that you're lacking in some way. Create a support system by reconnecting with family members and old friends. They can give you a different perspective on your situation and give you the strength to carry on in spite of the challenges you face.

Indulge in your passions and get involved in a cause or hobby that’s close to your heart. In a trying time such as this, it’s important to become whole by getting reacquainted with yourself.

Some of your individuality might have faded into the relationship - now is the time to regain the qualities which make you unique.

By asserting your independence, you’ll become happier with who you are and less needy. This is the kind of person your spouse will want to come home to.

Paradoxically, taking this opportunity to do your own thing will bring your spouse closer to you and remind them of the person they married.

A Change Of Heart

Eventually, he or she will open their heart to you once more and allow you a chance to reconnect. Sometimes, a person needs to know exactly what they stand to lose (i.e. you) before they realize that they need to stop taking it for granted.

Regardless of whatever happens to you, remember that you’ll always have to take care of yourself. How can you be there for the people in your life if you neglect your well-being? Though the path is strewn with frustrating setbacks, you will come out of your ordeal as a wiser and stronger person.

As you become the best version of yourself, you’ll rebuild the friendship you share with your spouse. Ultimately, you’ll accept each other for who you are and develop a deeper, more profound love in your marriage.

Some Thoughts On Dealing With Your In-Laws

In many marriages, the peaceful union between husband and wife is disrupted by clashes with the in-laws. As much as a spouse would like for everyone to get along, disagreements with partner’s family will break out for one reason or another.

More often than not, these fundamental differences in opinion can seriously get in the way of a marriage’s growth. It's disheartening for many to marry a wonderful partner, only to get more than they bargained for.

This is especially true if the partners come from vastly different backgrounds. There’s a bigger chance for there to be a significant difference in values, beliefs and culture.

As a result, certain families may not feel all that comfortable that their loved one married someone who seems so different from them. Worse, underlying feelings of suspicion and hostility may even develop over time.

Paul, a freelance web designer and graphic artist from Seattle, knew this reality all too well. “My wife’s parents are a bit old-fashioned, so at first they couldn’t fully appreciate - let alone understand - the nature of my work.”

What worried Paul’s in-laws so much is that he didn’t work in a traditional office like the rest of his wife’s family. “They were kind of freaked out that I wasn’t getting a steady paycheck…they didn’t know that I was actually making more than enough to support myself, their daughter and our future children,” Paul added.

On top of these factors, it could also be that the in-laws are having a hard time letting their child go. The lifelong bond that parents share with their children can make it hard for them to accept that their child now has a family of their own.

Most of the time, in-law related disputes boil down to a failure to embrace change. Chances are you were not the same person you were a decade ago. This applies to everyone as well because major milestones in our lives can change us in many ways.

When these life-changing transitions are met with resistance, it causes disharmony among people, especially in an emotionally-sensitive context such as marriage.

So the most important step to striking middle ground with your in-laws is to understand where each of you is coming from. As discussed earlier, some in-laws feel threatened by an outsider coming into the family. The irrational fear of having their loved one "taken away" from them could be overriding their better judgment.

However, you also need to consider your own position. If you’re not getting along with your in-laws, you probably feel that your own values are under attack in the face of their criticism. It’s perfectly natural to react defensively to a perceived threat.

But at the end of the day, these are merely PERCEPTIONS which are pre-empted by fear; this is what fuels the cycle of negativity. Furthermore, it’s likely that you and your in-laws have different ideas of what’s best for your spouse, thus causing all the drama.

But try to look at it this way: if there’s one thing you have in common with your spouse’s family, it’s that all of you want to be there for your partner.

Let that thought be present in your mind as you deal with your in-laws. Try to remember that they’re so worked up because like you, they care so fiercely for your spouse.

When you take an objective look at both sides of the story, you’ll have a better appreciation of the bigger picture. This new perspective will help plant the seeds of empathy which will blossom into mutual understanding.

Of course, your partner also needs to understand your own sentiments. Let him or her relay to their family that they should let your spouse live his or her life. After all, they are guests in your marriage (as opposed to the ones “running the show”).

All in all, your empathy and your spouse’s support will help both sides arrive at a compromise - or at the very least, agree to disagree on some key issues. Eventually, mutual respect will flourish and you can enjoy a smoother marriage with your spouse.

The Two Sneakiest Marriage Problems To Watch Out For

Among the many couples who’ve consulted with us, we’ve come across two common problems that they fight about the most. To the passing eye, these everyday problems aren’t threatening – but any couple should know better than to ignore them.

Just because they're common, it doesn't mean you should take them for granted. They can slip under the radar and slowly eat away at the foundations of your relationship.

Before you know it, it will be too late to reverse the damage they have caused. Identifying them as early as now can help you deal with these sneaky threats as they try to slip into your marriage.

Money Matters

As mentioned earlier, some couples tend to dismiss certain problems as superficial. But ignoring the long-term impact of fundamental disagreements is dangerous - especially those of the financial kind.

At the beginning of a marriage, it’s easy to sweep money matters under the rug. From our experience however, we’ve seen this silent killer end more relationships than we'd care to count.

One of the most basic things that you should understand is that both you and your spouse came from different backgrounds. On top of your upbringing, you should also factor in your individual experiences which have shaped your views on money (or life for that matter).

The typical scenario goes like this - in a given couple, one of the partners came from a family where money was tight. Naturally, this makes him or her more frugal than the other partner who probably didn't have to worry about money while growing up.

Obviously, these contrasting views are bound to clash when they come together in a marriage. As these "little" disagreements go unprocessed, the negative feelings will gradually pile up.

(And as we've talked about in the past, letting the resentment overpower the affection in your marriage can cause it to go bankrupt.)

Be pro-active by having a proper discussion with your spouse as soon as you can in order to set things straight early on.

Start off by sharing your experiences with money as you were growing up. You might think you already have your spouse figured out, but you'll both be surprised by how much more you'll learn about each other.

In fact, the couples we've helped are often shocked by just how polarized their opinions are when it comes to money.

Don't fall into this trap - do the groundwork and brainstorm how to build a middle ground for your opposing views.

Once you've gained a better understanding of where the other is coming from, this becomes a starting point for accepting your differences. In time, you'll develop a more unified view on how money should be handled in the household.

(Side note: if you need help with coming up with a shared vision, there are a series of exercises in our "Save My Marriage Today" book which deals with goal-setting and other critical topics.)

Once you've sorted this out, you'll save yourselves a ton of potential headaches and have a reasonably comfortable lifestyle.

Complacency

In the initial stages of a marriage, the level of passion is high; this is often called the "falling in love" stage of the relationship.

But when things have calmed down a bit and your marriage has settled into a routine, the "spark" naturally dims a little. While this "reality check" phase is an expected part of the relationship's life cycle, the danger of getting lazy can creep in if you allow it.

Maintenance is one of the most overlooked ingredients in a successful marriage. After a year or two into your marriage, there will be moments when you don't feel like making an effort, but this is NOT an excuse to be complacent.

Just because your level of enthusiasm has dipped a little, it doesn't mean you should stop pleasing your partner. Don't give in to this feeling because pretty soon, you might not feel like doing anything at all for your spouse.

And when you reach that point, your relationship will be in the red. Safeguard yourselves against taking each other for granted!

Show your spouse that you're committed to keeping your marriage fun, fresh and energized - this is what will remind you why you got married in the first place.

As a couple, you have to make the effort to put the importance of spending quality time in your collective consciousness. Given the hectic and demanding lifestyle you both lead, you'll NEVER find time for each other unless you consciously decide to MAKE time.

If you value your relationship, don't treat your dates as an afterthought. Sit down with your partner and figure out a realistic schedule where you've deliberately added a slot for "we time".

Here's a quick guide to planning your dates:

a) Make a list of activities you enjoy as a couple.

b) Compare your schedules and figure out when you can do them.

c) Get a calendar (placed somewhere conspicuous) and block off your chosen days with a big red X!

Everyday life can get in the way of keeping the romance alive, but if there's a will, there's a way.

Hire a babysitter or get the grandparents to watch the kids.

Turn down a project or skip overtime if it's not a matter of life and death.

In many ways, your schedules need to be built around your "we time". Otherwise, you could very well lose sight of what's truly important in your marriage: each other.

Holding Down The Fort

Like a garden, your marriage is an emotional investment which has to be nurtured and kept safe from external threats. By developing the foresight to deal with potential problems, you can stop them in their tracks before they set up camp in your relationship.

The end result is that your marriage will remain healthy and vibrant throughout the years.

Three Ways to Beat Bankruptcy In Your Marriage

Previously, we discussed how to build up friendship in your marriage. We called this your Love Bank and you can keep your account balance high by making specific types of deposits.

A healthy Love Bank has a good amount of friendship which you can use as “emotional currency” that you can spend during times of difficulty.

This time however, let’s focus on how certain behaviors can decrease the emotional capital of your marriage. As with any bank account in real life, couples can also unwittingly make “withdrawals” from their Love Bank. Here are the three biggest ones:

#1: Thinking That You’re Better Than Your Spouse

Many couples unconsciously develop the habit of zeroing in on each other’s mistakes and negative traits. However, these negative perceptions never sprout during the start of a relationship - it takes time to nurture them.

At some point, they'll start to take root in the mind and grow to maturity. Like a fruit-bearing plant, they'll eventually produce other negative thoughts (e.g. disrespect, condescension) towards their partner.

If you want to counteract this process, make a conscious effort to plant the seeds of appreciation instead.

Self-awareness is crucial; when you feel your mind getting caught up in criticism, stop yourself. Focus instead on the things you do like about your partner and the things they do for you.

Even a simple “thank you” and a peck on the cheek is already a step in the right direction. In time, you’ll get used to being more and more vocal of your partner’s admirable traits.

When you make a habit of this, you’ll promote a positive atmosphere of mutual appreciation. With such a system in place, it will prevent either of you from feeling superior to the other.

Having a generally good opinion of your spouse is crucial to keeping your marriage alive and well throughout the years. Without respect and admiration, any argument - no matter how small – will act as a fuse for the powder keg of negative emotions stored up in a relationship.

#2: Returning Fire

Your spouse just said something hurtful and you feel attacked. What do you do?

In a threatening situation, the natural response would be to fight back. That’s human instinct at work.

But in the context of marriage, obeying the urge to fire back can backfire.

Responding with equal hostility is not going to help the situation. You may think you’re helping your partner see things from your perspective, but it’s like pouring gasoline on an open flame.

In effect, your partner will be further entrenched in his or her position and put you both in a gridlock all the more.

Accountability is one of the key traits of an ideal marriage. As a couple, both of you need to be willing to own up to whatever mistakes you make along the way.

And that’s really the essence of a solid marriage: sharing EQUAL responsibility in all of your problems. In relationships plagued by defensiveness, there’s a strong tendency for a couple to blame each other for the problem.

So while firing back may help you defend your wounded pride, it only compounds the problem by encouraging a relay match of blame.

To avoid getting caught in this pattern, look at the situation from your partner’s perspective - even if you don’t agree with it 100%.

What factors led your spouse to feel that way? If you could do it again, what would you have done differently to prevent him or her from getting upset?

Going through this process can help you become open-minded enough to admit the mistakes you made on your side.

Couples who have been married for a long time are good at doing this. It’s one of the hardest things you need to do in your marriage, but remember that your relationship is much more than the sense of indignation or pride you may sometimes feel.

So taking the first step to acknowledge your spouse’s feelings is a good example and ultimately creates space for compromise.

It the end, you’ll be both on your way to accepting a part of the problem – as small as that part may be.

# 3: Being Heavy-handed With Criticism

If your partner’s actions rubbed you the wrong way, your approach to discussing the issue makes all the difference.

Sadly, it’s very common for a lot of people to tear into their spouses right from the get-go. And when you handle an emotionally-charged situation in such a rough manner, things will escalate pretty quickly.

This is why easing into the discussion is a key factor: it actually prevents a couple from triggering the first two problems previously mentioned (acting morally superior and firing back).

Make an effort to be more objective as you air out your side because it encourages the right mindset (i.e. not thinking you’re better than your spouse). Furthermore, you’ll also set the right tone for the discussion and not force your partner into retaliating.

Understandably however, this is a tall order when you’re upset. It’s hard for anyone to be constructive with their criticism when emotions are in the way. But if you take the “easy way” and give in to your anger, it will only make things worse.

So how do you get around this? First, keep in mind that it’s actually ok to express your frustration.

You just have to remember that your complaints need to be directed at the situation; don’t blame the whole issue on your partner. You won’t make any progress by implying that the problem is a result of a perceived character flaw on your partner’s side.

One trick to doing this is through statements beginning with “I feel”, “I think” or “I wish”. It keeps you from leveling accusations at your spouse and setting off a chain reaction of negative emotions.

In effect, your statements will become observations that encourage your spouse to step in and offer a solution.

Consider this example: a woman is frustrated about her husband’s lack of initiative when it comes to chores - which statement would make her husband more open to a compromise?

a) “You seem to really good with being out of sight when it’s time to take out the trash. I guess you don’t care that our kitchen smells like a dump in the morning.”

b) “Hey, I know you’re tired and all, but I’m also out of steam in the evening – and it just bugs me that our trash is just sitting there while I’m doing the dishes and folding the laundry. I’d really appreciate it if you took care of it.”

Both of these statements address the same problem, but the first one comes from a place of accusation, disapproval and worse, a desire to start a fight.

The second method of delivery brings up the topic in a more diplomatic tone. Better yet, an invitation to solve the problem is included in the “package”.

Remember: even if your point is valid, it can be hard for your spouse to process hurtful criticism. The objective is NOT to hurt, but to find a compromise.

If there’s anything you should learn today, it’s the importance of avoiding love-sapping habits in your relationship. As a couple, you need to make sure that the reserve of positive emotions in your Love Bank is high.

Remember: the love and adoration you’ve saved up over time will bail you out when things get tough. So be prudent and don’t make withdrawals when you don’t have to.