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The Purpose and Meaning of Your Anger
Written by Andrew Rusbatch
It’s the darnedest thing. In doing the work I do I get a lot of submissions from clients looking for ways to solve their marriage conundrums, and the style of submissions can range from confused ramblings to impassioned pleas to angry outbursts.
I got an angry submission from a client recently, wanting to know why my material hadn’t magically changed his life and turned his marriage around, and for this he was very angry. While I was initially a little put off by the anger, I could understand the place the anger was coming from.
In the midst of his marriage problems was someone who was scared. Scared because they didn’t understand what was going on around them, scared because they didn’t really know what caused it, and especially scared because for the first time in their lives they felt powerless. And they weren’t sure how to fix it.
Marriage problems are not like broken cars or building projects. There is no specific step-by-step process involved in diagnosing or fixing it. No broken wires, no faulty parts, and typical male pragmatism is not going to solve this one.
Emotions, expectations, hurt feelings, changing values, even depression, are all factors that make fixing your problems much more difficult.
There is no magic cure or answer that is going to fix this problem, and the powerlessness people feel in examining this process often manifests itself as anger.
The worst part of this is that the anger often makes the problems so much worse. The anger is projected to your partner and anyone else around you, and you stop listening, instead choosing to filter out anything that detracts from the feeling you are having.
The problem is that letting your frustration out in anger feels so darned good. As destructive as it may be, letting go of your frustrations is a release of biblical proportions that helps you purge your frustrations so that you can feel better.
But next time you feel like exploding, take a closer look at your anger. What is it really about, and what is it’s purpose? Is it about injustice, or is it about your frustration and your need to purge negative emotions?
Is it a welcome distraction from your lack of knowing how to fix your marriage problem? And in the midst of this anger, where is your outburst taking you and how is it going to solve your marital problem?
One of my friends told me that it is the only way his feelings get heard. Sure, the feelings get heard, but for all the wrong reasons. In only being heard when you are angry and hostile, are you setting a dangerous pattern of behavior in your marriage? What example are you setting for your spouse or children?
I get told that it's necessary to be heard. Is this really correct? Is anger coming forth as a last attempt following on from several failed communications, or is it a learned behavior that needs to be challenged?
When anger and frustration manifests itself in your mind, don’t look back in anger. Take some time to have a think about what you are feeling, and why. Sometimes taking the time to think about how what you are thinking can avoid needless conflict and can add a clearer perspective on the situation.
Challenge your behavior. Expect better from yourself. Your spouse and your marriage will be better for it.
Examining your thoughts and why you are feeling them can help diffuse your anger and avoid inappropriate projection of your feelings. And it makes you a better communicator.
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About "Save My Marriage Today"
The "Save My Marriage Today" course is a comprehensive collection of marriage rebuilding tools designed to assist troubled couples in turning around the negative patterns of behavior that exist in their marriages.
We have a range of experience with a large variety of problems among the members of the Save My Marriage Today team and have managed to help many couples in crisis turnaround their patterns of negative behavior. We have a range of life-changing e-books, and also have a new e-book specifically written for couples in extreme crisis. We also offer free access to personal consultations from a member of the "Save My Marriage Today" team.
I am sure that we can help with any problem that you may have in your marriage.
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