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Ways to overcome infidelity
By Andrew Rusbatch
I received an email from a member the other day who had two affairs, the second of which resulted in the birth of a child. The couple here were having issues surrounding the betrayal of two affairs, as well as the husband's obligation to the child he fathered.
These sorts of scenarios are very complicated, yet they are increasingly common. Infidelity is right up there as one of the top issues of marital conflicts, and it presents a real challenge to couples who want to turn things around and rebuild a marriage.
I have removed any references that may identify the client, but felt that my response to this client is worthy of sharing with so many other couples out there in similar circumstances.
Here is my response:
I guess what you are dealing here is not so much your wife's loss of feelings for you, but a reaction to a breach of trust. When your wife tells you she has no feelings for you, I don't think this translates as her not loving you.
However you have had two affairs, and in doing so, have indicated to your wife that you are not worthy of her trust. Telling her you love her and will change is meaningless at this stage, as your actions in having a second affair and fathering a child go against this promise.
Words are not going to fix your marriage. Your actions are going to indicate to her how serious you are about staying in the relationship and whether you really are going to make a commitment to change.
This may involve some major changes to your life, and saving your marriage may involve you changing jobs, changing neighborhoods, or even changing cities in order to leave your past behind. Are you prepared to do this?
You mentioned you are in counseling. What specifically are you receiving counseling for? What issues are you going through? What behaviors are you trying to understand and change?
Are you making progress? Is this progress measurable?
Telling your wife that you want nothing to do with that woman or child is not going to make your obligations to that child go away. This is something that you are not going to be able to walk away from, and is something that is going to be a part of your life on some level for many years to come.
Your wife has not stopped loving you, however the distrust that she now has for you is the barrier that will stop her from reciprocating your love. If you are going to save your marriage, your wife needs to start trusting you again. This may or may not be possible.
You can't control her reaction to your affairs, but you can control your response to it, and your responses to her reactions. You need to find ways of demonstrating your love, in small ways, so that despite her not liking you at the moment, your support and thought for her is evident.
I identify ways of loving your wife in Chapter 7 of Book 2: Marriages in Extreme Crisis.
Love is a doing word. Find small ways to do things and demonstrate your love on a very practical level. If she works, make her lunch for her. Make a cup of coffee for her in the morning. Make her breakfast. Leave flowers on her bedside table. Keep up with the housework, or iron her favorite blouse when you are ironing your shirts.
Get her sister, another family member, or a friend to talk with her, as an objective third party to help her deal with her feelings and to help present the facts of divorce to her.
Has she considered how long a divorce can take? Has she considered the financial implications of dividing the marital assets and supporting herself? Has she considered the cost of living and the impact on her life both in the short-term and long-term? The implications of a divorce are significant, and can affect both the physical, financial and even emotional lives of both partners for many years.
Divorce is seldom as simple as people imagine it to be, and it seldom brings the feelings of closure or satisfaction that people think it will as well. In fact, if people fully understood the emotional and financial isolation that a divorce brings, they would realize that in many cases divorce is not the easier option.
Considering the huge impact of divorce, it makes sense to explore the idea of counseling or at least make an attempt to communicate.
If someone is able to present the facts of divorce to her so she fully understands what she is getting into, you may be able to make some progress and open a dialogue. Other than that, you need to focus on making each interaction with her as positive as possible.
There is hope as long as you are able to keep loving your wife and show her that you do want to change and that your progress is visible and measurable. You have a long road ahead, but there is hope.
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