How to receive negative feedback from your spouse

Negative feedback is something we unfortunately have to encounter throughout our lives, in many different areas.

We receive it from teachers, professors, bosses, family, friends, sports coaches, and sometimes even strangers.

But negative feedback is never harder to hear than when it comes from our spouse.

Because our spouse is the person we love the most. We rely on them to make us feel loved and safe.

And hearing criticism from them can feel like that love is being threatened. It can feel like we are being attacked – making us feel defensive and vulnerable.

Therefore, it is easy to lash out in return and start shooting down our spouse’s point of view.

For instance, saying things like “You’re wrong”, “No I don’t”, or throwing an accusation back at your spouse; “Well you always do…!”

This can quickly escalate, with both spouses fighting pain with pain.

It is fair to say that sometimes our spouses could be gentler in the way they point out our flaws.

But the thing is, usually when we receive negative feedback from our spouse, it is because he or she is needing our love and attention.

Negative feedback always comes from somewhere – more often than not it is because our spouse is feeling that one of their needs is not being met.

Therefore, when receiving any type of criticism, it is important to try and understand what your spouse’s needs, wants or concerns are behind the feedback they have given you.

It’s important to realize that giving you negative feedback doesn’t mean your spouse doesn’t love you – in fact, it means that they CARE enough about your relationship to want to make it better.

And the reason that we can have such a hard time accepting criticism from them is that deep down, we are fearful of losing the connection with our spouses.

But the point to remember is that learning how to take negative feedback from our spouses on board in a constructive way is only going to IMPROVE the health and stability of our relationships.

Because when we react with defensiveness and anger to the things we don’t want to hear, we actually drive a wedge between ourselves and our spouses.

You will be amazed at what it can do for your relationship if instead of reacting like this, you pause, take a breath, calm yourself and consider things from your spouse’s point of view before you reply.

Taking responsibility for your actions requires maturity and inner strength, but it is a very attractive quality.

You have a CHOICE in how you react. You may not be able to change your spouse, but you can make decisions to change your OWN responses, which may influence your spouse to follow suit.

Learning to handle negative feedback from your spouse with understanding, calmness and respect is not easy, but it does get easier with practice. And it will be well worth it for your marital relationship.

How to handle receiving negative feedback from your spouse:

1. Drop your defenses.
Although you may have an initial emotional reaction (this is perfectly natural and okay), force yourself to stop before you ACT on this emotion.

Instead, take some deep breaths and allow yourself to calm down enough for the rational part of your mind to take over.

2. Assess whether you think the feedback is true.
Think rationally about what your spouse has said. Can you see any truth to their criticism?

Try to see the issue from both yours and your spouse’s viewpoints.

Decide whether you honestly agree with the feedback your spouse has given you, or whether you have reason to disagree.

3. Reply to your spouse with respect.
Whether or not you agree with what your spouse has said, it’s important to reply to them with respect and to validate rather than invalidate their point of view.

Your spouse’s feelings and viewpoints are REAL to them, even if they are not the same as yours.

So in your reply, you first should always reiterate your spouse’s concerns or criticism to show that you understand what they have communicated to you.

For example, “So you’ve been feeling neglected because I have been arriving home later than I said I would be?”

Your spouse will confirm to you whether this is what they were meaning.

Next you need to let your spouse know your point of view, whether you agree or disagree, with a clear explanation of why you feel this way (again, do this will respect and love).

If you agree with what they are saying, say something like “I’m sorry. You’re right”, “I understand”, “I’m sorry I hurt you”.

Then back this up with a statement such as “I will try to stop doing…”

Even if you disagree with your spouse’s criticism, you can still say that you understand your spouse’s point of view and are sorry that they felt hurt.

Just be sure not to BLAME your spouse in this process.

If you feel that your behavior has been a RESULT of something your spouse have been doing, apologize for your own behavior first.

Then gently and respectively use “I” statements to explain how you feel this behavior was brought on through one of your own needs not being met.

4. Have an open discussion and come up with a way to move forward.
Discuss the issue with your spouse in a calm and open way until you come to a conclusion and way to move forward.

What could be done differently in the future to make sure that the same issue does not come up again?

If something you’ve done has hurt or offended your spouse, it is a good idea to actually ASK your spouse what they need from you in future in order to feel loved.

For instance; “What could I do differently in future to make you feel respected and loved?”

Your spouse will feel honored by the fact that you care enough to want to understand how you can meet their specific needs. Because the needs of any two people are never quite the same.

5. Re-connect with your spouse.
After a discussion which may have left both you and your spouse feeling emotional and vulnerable, it’s important to soothe one another and reconnect.

Reach out and give your spouse a hug or a kiss, or put your arm around their shoulder. These acts of affection signal that everything is okay between you and help to close any distance between you.

The goal is to leave this discussion feeling even closer to your spouse than before.

6. Recognize that being able to share negative feedback is a positive quality of your marriage.
Whenever you’re reflecting on any negative feedback, remember that it is actually a great thing to be able to receive negative feedback from your spouse and for your spouse to be able to receive it from you.

A strong marriage is one in which each person feels comfortable enough to express their views and needs to one another, with the belief that they will be listened to.

As mentioned above, when your spouse shares this feedback with you, it shows that they WANT to be happy in this marriage with you, even if things aren’t perfect right now.

Your spouse wants to feel loved and appreciated by you. Isn’t that worth something?

Remember, none of us are perfect. And when you get two imperfect people sharing their lives, there is bound to be the odd roadblock along the way.

And if you can accept negative feedback from your spouse and turn it into something positive, then they are much more likely to do the same when the tables are turned.

Negative feedback is always an opportunity for growth. Taking it on board allows you to not only grow as a person, but also to grow stronger in your relationship.

7. GIVE negative feedback with respect and care.
Next time you have negative feedback to give to your SPOUSE, show them the same respect and consideration you would like to receive.

Remember to wait until you and your spouse are alone – criticizing them in front of others will be extremely hurtful and will be more likely to amplify the problem rather than make it better.

Let your spouse know that you love them through words of love or physical affection (or both).

Give them YOUR full attention and wait until you also have theirs (ask for their attention if need be).

Calm your emotions to the point where you are using the logical part of your mind when you are talking to your spouse – rather than attacking him or her with a wave of emotion (such as anger, resentment or frustration).

When you take this gentle, respectful approach, your spouse is much less likely to REACT with emotion.

Explain your concern or complaint to your spouse, using “I” statements where possible – rather than ‘blaming’ statements.

For instance; “Babe, I’ve been feeling a bit unwanted lately because we never seem to spend much time doing things together when we’re both at home. It seems like you’re always busy. I really miss having fun and laughing with you. I need your time and affection to feel loved and sexy again.”

If you can learn to always bring up negative feedback with your spouse in this gentle, considerate way, hopefully your spouse will follow your example when they have something to bring up.

Do you have problems with communicating and receiving negative feedback in your marriage?

Please share your experiences below.

As always, thank you for reading and I hope this advice has been helpful for you!

Brooke Ryan
Author,
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

6 guidelines for maintaining financial harmony

It’s true: financial problems are one of the LEADING reasons behind divorce.

Often the shared management of money is a practical issue that isn’t really discussed or fully considered by a couple before they get married.

But soon enough, it can become a major issue in the marriage, which can put strain on the relationship.

Why is money such a big deal in a marriage? Because with money, there comes power. Power to spend, power to save, and power to achieve success.

When couples aren’t in sync with their financial values, this can lead to a power struggle – a great big build-up of tension, conflict and resentment.

For instance, when one spouse earns more than the other, when one spouse wants to control the family’s finances, or when one spouse spends a lot more than the other.

Resentment poisons the marriage, and eats away at the love spouses once shared.

But don’t let money come between YOU and YOUR spouse.

Today I’m going to be giving you some real-world, practical advice that will give you strategies to deal with having shared finances - in a way that will HELP rather than hurt your marriage.

Guidelines for maintaining financial harmony in your marriage:

1. Communicate about your finances and budget as a team.
Whether you like it or not, your finances are an integral part of your life. Therefore, you and your spouse are going to need to have regular financial discussions throughout your married life.

The best way to stop resentment build-up is to communicate openly and respectfully with your spouse and come up with a financial plan which accommodates both of your needs.

Agree to have a weekly, fortnightly or monthly discussion about your finances. In these initial discussions, communicate about your ideas around spending and saving. Work out if you have any financial goals as a couple, such as something big you want to save for.

Once you have identified each person’s needs, come up with a realistic budget together that satisfies each of your needs and puts you on track towards your long-term goals.

In each discussion with your spouse, check to see if you are meeting your saving and spending targets and negotiate these when needed.

2. Show respect for one other at all times.
Often our beliefs about money and how it should be handled are programmed into us through the culture or family we grow up in.

When these deep-set belief conflict with our spouse’s, it can be easy to see theirs as being ‘wrong’ and ours as being ‘right’.

Instead, try to understand that you and your spouse have come from different financial backgrounds and there will be individual differences in your inclinations towards spending or saving. And neither of these is the ‘right’ way of doing things.

It’s also important to maintain respect for each person’s job, income, and unique contributions to the marriage.
Often tension arises in a marriage when there is an inequality in spouses’ income or working hours.

The spouse who is earning more and working longer hours can sometimes feel taken advantage of, or feel that they should have more control over how the money is spent.

However, what spouses need to remember is that they are not competing AGAINST each other, they are sharing their lives and working for the benefit of the team. Anything that each person brings to the marriage is valuable and should be appreciated.

A higher income or coming into the marriage with greater financial assets should NOT equate to having power over the other spouse. Neither should it mean that the higher earner should have the ‘final say’ in decision making (financial or otherwise).

As long as one spouse is not taking advantage of the other (such as spending too much money or deliberately choosing to work less than they could be), then each spouse should feel valued by the other for what they bring to the table.

In the case of one spouse working more than the other and feeling put-out by it, it is possible that the couple could come up with a plan where the spouse who works less contributes more to the family in other ways.

For instance, they could spend more time doing housework, childcare, or week-day errands. This way, each person’s contribution to the marriage can still be seen as ‘fair’.

However, it’s important to raise any topics such as this with your spouse in a gentle, loving way. When you come into it with a loving approach, they are much less likely to take offence and will be more willing to take your suggestions on board.

And always keep in mind that there is a lot MORE to marriage than just financial support.

3. Come up with the best money management strategy for you as a couple.
When considering how to manage your financial accounts as a couple, it’s important to acknowledge that each person deserves to have some financial freedom – that is, the ability to each have a certain amount of personal money to spend, guilt-free.

In terms of having joint versus separate accounts, there are a lot of benefits to pooling your income and assets.
With a joint account, you have an increased sense of ‘togetherness’, lower account fees, greater saving power and it is easier to pay for joint expenses.

But with separate accounts, you have more financial freedom and can spend without feeling that you need to ‘run it past’ your spouse.

To reduce any tension around spending, what I recommend is having the best of both worlds.

Open one main joint account (to pay expenses, save for big financial goals), then two separate accounts in which you each transfer the same (realistic) amount to spend each week.

This way, you both get a bit of financial freedom, but are also able to save together and pay all of your expenses from one account.

If you need to, you can also see a bank advisor to get educated about money management (i.e. find out about interest rates and account options).

4. Be completely honest with each other - do not hide any spending or debts.
Be honest with one another about your spending habits, goals and financial expectations. Live within the limits you have set in your budget and consult each other before making any expensive purchases.

No debts (apart from investments like mortgages or student loans) should be accumulated during your marriage if possible. To make sure this happens, only spend what you have and avoid using credit cards if you don’t have the financial resources to pay them off.

Remember, each spouse is responsible for sticking to your agreed-upon budget. If one of you goes against the budget, you are letting the team down.

5. Support each other and work through financial hardship as a team.
At some points in your marriage, you may have financial troubles arising from situations such as job losses, business declines, or unexpected expenses.

You and your spouse need to be there for one another when this happens and be able to be flexible about your situation. For instance, to pick up more hours while your spouse looks for another job.

Another important point is that when you are married, individual debts become shared debts, so you need to treat them as such. Paying off debts is the first step towards achieving financial stability and security.

Therefore, it is in your best interests to work together to clear any of each other’s debts as a team before you start saving as a team (especially those debts which are being charged interest).

6. Make each of your needs a priority and reward yourselves for sticking to your budget.
If you and your spouse have agreed that saving is important to both of you and you are working hard towards your goals, this is great.

However, it’s important to still be realistic when you are budgeting.

Because if you and your spouse start to deny your own needs in order to save a little extra money every week, this can do more harm than good.

For instance, denying yourselves things such as clothing (when needed), grooming essentials, or the occasional night out or social event. Or at a more extreme level, denying yourselves health needs such as doctor visits or medications.

It’s important to make sure that even when you are saving, you are still meeting your own needs.
For your own life satisfaction, you and your spouse also need to be able to treat yourselves every once and awhile.

For instance, if you save more than your monthly target, why not treat each other to a night out or to a new purchase to celebrate?

If you never get to have any fun because your spending is so limited, you may eventually become burnt out and resentful.

And remember, sometimes unexpected expenses come up and you won’t meet your savings target for that week or month – this is okay too. It happens to the best of us!

Lastly, break financial tension by finding ways to enjoy each other’s company.

Spend time together doing the types of things you enjoy doing as a couple. Have a night out, go on vacation, visit friends or family, or just relax together at home. The best things in life don’t often cost a lot of money.

Brooke Ryan
Author,
www.SaveMyMarriageToday.com

6 Vows for Restoring the ‘We-Culture’ in your Marriage

Today I’m going to be sharing with you some great advice from parenting and relationship gurus Ian and Mary Grant, co-authors of Growing Great Marriages.

We are going to be focusing in particular on how to re-gain a sense of ‘we-ness’ in your marriage when you and your spouse have started to feel isolated from one another.

Because marriage means building a life together, not having two separate lives running in parallel.

It’s great for you and your spouse to each have some outside interests, but the reality is that if you aren’t spending a decent amount of quality time with each other every possible day, you will start to feel like two strangers living under the same roof.

To prevent this from happening, Ian and Mary advise making the following vows with your spouse:

1. We will always let each other know if we are going to be home late.
This first vow is all about building trust and a clear line of communication with your spouse.

Letting each other know when you’re going to be home late and why avoids this situation from happening:
Laura gets home from work and begins cooking dinner for herself and John.

Dinner is all ready for 6.30pm, the time John usually arrives home from work. Laura puts the plates in the oven and switches on the TV as she waits for John to get home.

7pm rolls around and Laura checks her phone – still no messages from John. She decides to send him a text to ask him when he will be home. No reply.

By the time John finally walks in the door at 8pm, Laura is short-tempered, hungry and irritated. She demands to know where John has been and why he didn’t tell her he’d be late.

John, who has had a long day, reacts to Laura’s temper with his own anger and fires something hurtful back at her. Dinner is ruined.

To avoid this situation from happening, all you and your spouse need to do it to COMMUNICATE to each other when you can be expected home, especially when plans change and you know you are going to be home later than expected.

So that rather than the spouse at home feeling stressed and rejected, they feel valued and respected because their spouse has let them know that they will be home later than anticipated on that day.

Being honest with each other about your whereabouts and when you are going to be home will help you to make plans with each other and build trust and closeness between you.

2. We will never go to bed angry.
The second vow is all about setting boundaries for healthy communication and conflict.

Going to bed feeling angry with one another is not healthy for your relationship as it allows negative feelings to fester.

Instead, agree to talk out your problem BEFORE bedtime, to the point where you each have either come up with a temporary solution or an agreement to make peace and come back to the discussion again the next day.

Make sure that both of you have had the chance to get out what you need to say and express your feelings before you go to bed.

3. We will never use sex to bargain with one another.
Sex is something special which should be enjoyed and cherished in your relationship. It is the physical representation of your love.

When it is deliberately withheld in order to prove a point or force the other person into agreement, this can be extremely hurtful for the person being rejected.

They is likely to cause them to feel emotions such as anger, rejection, sadness, resentment and loneliness.

Using sex as a way to negotiate or ‘punish’ one another will only make your marital problems worse - and take all of the fun, passion and intimacy away from sex.

Instead of denying each other sex when either of you has ‘done something wrong’, agree to address the real problem and talk it out.

4. We will always consult one another before making important decisions.
This is one of the most fundamental elements of being part of a marital team.

As mentioned previously, being married means that you are building a life together – meaning that you need to make your life decisions TOGETHER.

So make an agreement with your spouse that whenever each of you is faced with a major decision which affects both of you, you will consult one another before coming to a joint decision.

5. We will always show each other respect in public.
Showing your partner respect is also a critical element to a healthy marriage.

This means to never criticize your spouse in public and to avoid badmouthing your spouse to your friends or family.

If there is something you disagree on with your spouse, you can bring it up with them later when you are at home.

When around others, back each other up and be a team. Your spouse should be the one person in the world you can count on to always take your side.

6. We will have mealtimes together as often as possible.
Do you and your spouse make an effort to eat breakfast and dinner together?

Having shared mealtimes is one of the major factors which helps to maintain closeness in marital and family relationships.

Why? Because mealtimes give you and your spouse an opportunity to talk and share what has been going on in each other’s lives.

Cooking for one another is also a way of showing caring and kindness.

We all need to eat every day, and the whole experience can be made a lot more enjoyable when we have someone we love to share it with.

Final Note…
Remember, if your spouse is not on board right now and is not willing to discuss your marital problems and make these vows with you, you can still make positive changes yourself.

If you start following these 6 steps as much as possible in your marriage, your spouse may eventually follow suit.

Sometimes all it takes is your spouse seeing evidence that you truly want to do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

Brooke Ryan
Author,
Save MyMarriageToday.com

The simple conversation that will keep your marriage alive

Today I’m going to be sharing with you another piece of expert advice from psychologist and marriage guru John Gottman.

Gottman’s extensive observational research on married couples has shown the most effective way that you can restore emotional intimacy with your spouse on a daily basis.

The answer sounds simple but is so important for the long-term health of your marital relationship.

The simple truth is that the most important conversation you need to have with your spouse each day is the one which starts with “How was your day?”

Having a daily conversation with your spouse in which you can offload any stress or worries you experienced during your day will prevent stress from outside of your relationship from affecting your marriage.

This conversation will enable you and your spouse to calm one other down, support one another and develop a closer connection.

However, these benefits don’t simply come from asking the question “How was your day?”

In order for this conversation to effectively reduce stress and strengthen emotional bonds between you, you and your spouse each need to follow the following guidelines:

1. Wait until a time where you are both able and wanting to talk.
For instance, you may want to tell each other about your day as soon as you both get home, or you may want to wait until dinner or until after you have put the kids to bed.

2. Talk about the things each of you are experiencing OUTSIDE of your relationship at the moment – not your relationship problems.
If you ask your spouse how their day was and they give a short response such as “Good thanks” or “It was alright”, try probing a little further to show you are truly interested in what is going on in their life.

Try being a little more specific. For instance, you could ask “How is everything going at work at the moment?” or “What did you do today?”

If your spouse again gives you a short answer, it may be a sign that they are not in ‘talk mode’ right now.

If this is the case, you could try to start up the conversation from a different angle a little later on, or make a comment about your day and see if they are willing to continue this line of conversation.

3. Spend at least 20 minutes having an in-depth discussion.
Take turns to talk, so the focus is kept on one person at a time for at least 10 minutes.

4. Actively listen to your spouse when they are talking. This means removing any distractions and focusing your full attention on your spouse.
Make eye contact with your spouse and show genuine interest in what they are saying through nods, agreements and further questions.

Giving your spouse your full attention when they are talking will make them feel incredibly valued and cared for.

5. When your spouse is telling you about any complaints from their day, show understanding before suggesting any solutions to him or her.
Sometimes advice is not what our loved ones are looking for when they tell us about a problem.

Empathize with your spouse and validate their emotions – express that you understand how your spouse is feeling right now and that they have every right to be feeling that way.

Listen to your spouse to try and work out if they are actually asking you for advice or simply just want to know that you care.

If you don’t know if your spouse is looking for advice, first show them your understanding and emotional support and then ask if there is anything you can do to help.

6. Take your spouse’s side – never side with the ‘opposition’ in a situation.
Taking the other party’s side over theirs when your spouse is telling you about a problem will only make your spouse feel hurt, angry, unsupported and rejected. This will also make them less likely to want to confide in you in future.

Instead, let your spouse know beyond a doubt that it is him or her that you are supporting and give the impression that you will ‘fight this problem together’.

Remember that your primary focus here is to be there for your spouse – not to be the judge of who is ‘right’ in the situation. So don’t show any judgment or criticism of your spouse’s perspective.

When it is YOU who has made a mistake, you will feel a lot better having your spouse take your side and support you, rather than criticize you for what you may have done wrong.

7. Lastly, show your spouse affection during or after your conversation.
Use affectionate words such as “I love you” and affectionate touch such as hugs, kisses, or an arm around them.

When you and your spouse make time to engage in these stress-reducing conversations every day, it will do wonders for your marriage.

Over time, it will reinforce to each of you that you are on each other’s side and that your spouse is the one you can turn to when something is stressing you out.

This can’t help but bring you closer together. It is the vital step towards restoring the emotional intimacy which may have been lacking in your marriage.

Sometimes the small acts are the ones which have the biggest impact.

Brooke Ryan
Author,
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

Is Technology Getting In The Way Of Your Marriage?

How often these days do you see a couple out together who are both on their mobile phones, paying no attention to each other whatsoever?

Today I’m going to be discussing a very modern issue which many couples are struggling with in their relationships. An issue which is not talked about enough.

What I’m going to be bringing to light is the negative impact that overuse of technology can have on your marriage.

I’m talking about use of your mobile phone, your computer, the internet, TV, playstation, email, Facebook, Twitter and any other technological devices you might use.

We live in a world where we are constantly being given the message that we need to be available to communicate, 24/7, when anyone feels the need to contact us.

This is NOT true.

Take mobile phones for example. Phones do have several important functions, such as helping us to keep in contact with people, make arrangements and keep safe.

However, there is nothing binding us to the use of our phones outside of work and urgent communication with family or friends.

Have you ever been in the situation where you went away somewhere and didn’t have cellphone reception for a day, a weekend, or a week?

Did your life fall to pieces? I don’t think so. In fact, I’ll bet you felt incredibly liberated being forced to be ‘cut-off’ from the world for an extended period of time.

But for some reason, most of us (myself included) feel this urge to check our phone or computer virtually every hour to see if we have some ‘urgent’ or ‘exciting’ message waiting for us.

And when we do see a message there, usually we feel obligated to reply – whether or not it is urgent or extraordinary.

How much time do you and your spouse currently spend on your phones, laptops, or other devices when you are together?

If you’re someone who spends a lot of time on your phone or tuned into social media when with your spouse, I’m telling you right now that this could be seriously detrimental to your marriage.

Why? Because these are the messages that you are sending to your spouse when you are constantly tuning out to your technological devices during your time together:

• That your spouse is less ‘exciting’ to you than the conversation you are having over text, or the headline you are reading online.

• That you don’t value the time you get to spend time with your spouse.

• That you are not paying attention to what is happening around you.

• That you are needing a way to ‘escape’ from your life.

• That your life isn’t satisfying enough for you.

• That you don’t care enough about your spouse’s needs.

• That you don’t respect your spouse.

Does this sound extreme to you? Seem like an overreaction?

Unfortunately, it’s not.

Often, people don't even recognize what a problem their technology habits are for their relationship.

They think they're spending time together but don't realize that they're distracted by technology.

Sitting next to your spouse in bed and using separate laptops doesn't constitute as quality time. Neither does texting when you’re out at dinner or watching TV while your spouse is talking to you.

Focusing on what is going on in your Facebook news feed rather than what is going on in the life of your husband or wife will eventually start to create emotional distance between you.

This kind of behavior may not be intended to harm your marriage, but it does really impact on the emotional intimacy between you and your spouse.

If technology overuse IS a problem in your marriage, whether it is you or your spouse who tends to spend a lot of time ‘tuning out’, I have a challenge for you.

1. First of all, identify the devices which are creating the biggest distraction for you or your spouse. It might be the TV, it might be Facebook, it might be your phone, or it might be ALL of these things.

2. Talk to your spouse and explain that you feel that the use of these devices is taking away from your time together, and you want to try to make the most of this time.

3. Agree to not use the devices you identified as a problem while you are spending time with your spouse for ONE WEEK.

Even if your spouse does not agree to do the challenge with you, be strong and follow through with the challenge yourself. This will show your spouse that you are serious about change.

4. Resist the urge to check your phone, computer or other device during the time you are spending with your spouse.

5. Use this distraction-free time to invest in your relationship and try to rekindle the romance between you and your spouse.

Focus on listening to your spouse and having fun with them – perhaps you could plan a night out or a romantic surprise. When you have the gift of time together, make nothing more of a priority to you than your spouse and their needs.

You may be surprised to find out how much more connected to your spouse you feel when you remove all technological distractions.

Although this challenge is just set for one week, hopefully after you have been through this experience and realized how much more quality time it allows you to have with your spouse, you will be motivated to cut back on your use of technology for good.

At the end of the day, do you want to cuddle your iPad at night or do you want to cuddle your spouse?

Brooke Ryan
Author,
www.SaveMyMarriageToday.com

4 ways to keep your marriage healthy after having children

Have you experienced a decline in your marriage since having children?

Do you sometimes find yourself wishing that things could ‘go back to how they were’ with your husband or wife?

Today I’m going to be sharing with you some ground-breaking research from psychologist and best-selling author John Gottman on how to handle the changes that children bring to your married life.

Gottman has spent over 16 years observing married couples and identifying what makes a marriage last. And through his research, he has uncovered the SECRETS to maintaining a happy marriage through the transition to parenthood.

But here’s the alarming thing: majority of couples DON’T feel as happy in their marriages after having kids.
In fact, Gottman’s research has showed that 70% of wives experience a large DECLINE in their marital satisfaction in the year after their first baby is born. Seventy percent!

And it comes as no surprise that many husbands also soon start to feel unhappy in their marriages as a reaction to their wives’ low levels of satisfaction.

So why does this happen? When having children a child together is supposed to be one of the most bonding experiences of love?

In fact, you and your spouse may have never felt MORE united and in love than when you found out you were expecting.

As soon-to-be parents, you are filled with great expectations of what family life will be like. You can only imagine that having a baby will INTENSIFY the already amazing relationship you have with your spouse.

But unfortunately, the happy bliss that is brought on by the thought of having a child with the one you love often hides the realities of what life is actually like when your family grows from two to three.

First, let’s first point out the obvious: having a baby is a significant drain on your time, energy, sleep and social life. So it’s understandable that new parents have a lot of added stress in their lives once bubba comes along.

But it is not this stress which causes major strain between spouses during this time. Stress amplifies any issues, but it doesn’t CAUSE them. Just like the root cause of almost any marital problem, it all comes down to UNMET NEEDS.

As Gottman has discovered, the needs of a husband and wife can differ from one another as they go through the transition to parenthood – more than you might think.

Let’s start with what wives commonly experience when they first become parents.

New mothers go through massive changes when their baby is born, physically and emotionally. They usually report feeling an overwhelmingly deep and loving bond with their child which gives them a whole new sense of meaning in life.

The needs of her baby are put first and foremost and everything else (including herself and her marriage) comes in second place.

If her husband doesn’t experience these same life-changing feelings when the baby is born, Mom can start to feel distance between them. In fact, she can’t understand how her husband could not be feeling the exact same way that she is.

Mom has a strong need to feel that her husband is as committed as she is to the baby’s wellbeing.

Right now, what would make her feel the MOST loved and supported by her husband is not if he devoted lots of love and attention to HER, but if he devoted all of his love and attention to the BABY, just as she is.

But often husbands don’t quite understand what their wives are needing from them at this stage and feel ‘out of the loop’ when it comes to looking after their child (as we will discuss in more detail below).

Stay-at-home moms may also experience a sense of being disconnected to the ‘real world’ when they are looking after their children full-time, which can only be alleviated if they share the childcare with their husbands and sometimes take some time-out.

If a wife perceives her husband isn’t putting in as much effort into the childcare as she would like him to be, she may feel abandoned and start to block her husband out.

This is what can lead a wife to start feeling dramatically lowered levels of marital satisfaction.

For new dads, it can be a different story of transition into parenthood. While Dad also feels a deep sense of love and protectiveness towards his newborn baby, he may not experience a change in worldview as earth-shattering as his wife’s.

While the baby seems to be taking up 100% of his wife’s time and attention at this time, Dad may be still just as focused on his wife and her needs as the baby’s.

Dad doesn’t understand why his attempts to meet his wife’s love needs right now are no longer successful, because he doesn’t realize these needs have CHANGED.

He doesn’t realize that it means more to her at the moment for him to focus his affections on their baby than to focus his affections on HER.

The hard thing is, what DAD really needs right now is affection from his wife to reassure him that he is doing a good job and that he is still important to her.

But due to his wife being so engrossed in taking care of the baby, she may have little time or energy for taking care of him and his needs. She may also neglect to give him the reassurance he so needs about his competence as a Dad.

And as a result, he feels shut out and a little helpless as a parent in comparison to his wife. Although he enjoys spending time with his baby and tries to help out with everything, it may seem like his baby needs its mother more than him, for instance when it comes to things like breastfeeding.

He feels neglected and a bit resentful that the baby is taking so much from its mom, and begins to miss his wife and grieve for what the relationship once was.

As a result, he may start to withdraw and leave more and more of the parenting to his wife. And if his wife senses this resentment and withdrawal, it can make her feel unsupported and even LESS likely to consider her husband’s needs.

Lack of communication about the different experiences a husband and wife may go through when they become parents, ON TOP of the added pressure that a baby brings, can cause the marital relationship to go downhill.
In this situation, neither spouse feels that THEIR needs are being met, nor do they understand how to meet their SPOUSE’S needs.

So how do you avoid this crisis in your marriage after having kids??

Luckily, John Gottman’s research has revealed the secrets to making your marriage THRIVE through the transition to parenthood.

They all lie in the steps below:

1. Go through the transition to parenthood as a TEAM
The 30% of new mothers who DO remain highly satisfied in their marriages are the ones who feel that their husbands prioritize their baby’s needs just as much as they do and make special efforts to bond with the baby.

If you’re a new dad, recognize that your wife is going to have a new number one priority right now. But rather than resenting your baby for taking time away from her, realize that the greatest way to stay connected with your wife is to join her in putting your baby first.

Through bonding with your infant together, you will also increase your bond with each other.

Understand that parenting is new territory for both of you, and it may come more naturally to one of you than the other.

But this doesn’t mean that the other parent is any less competent. They may just need a little more encouragement and time to get used to caring for your baby to become more confident.

So don’t shoot your team-mate down if he or she does something differently to how you would have done it yourself – often there is more than one right way.

2. Communicate and meet each other’s needs in the best way you can
Now that you are aware that your spouse may have quite different love needs to your own right now, it’s important to discover what these needs are so you can support them.

You also need to identify and communicate your OWN needs to your spouse, so they know the best way to support and love you right now.

Your spouse’s needs ARE still important, despite the fact that you are busy with your baby. Even though you are now parents, Dad still needs to be loved by his wife and Mom still needs to be loved by her husband.

In fact, you and your spouse will be able to be better parents if you are keeping each other’s love banks filled.

The more love you receive from each other, the more love you will have to give to your baby.

So although your baby’s needs may take priority, your baby is not your ONLY priority. This means making sure that you don’t brush off anything your spouse requests of you at the moment as being ‘silly’ or ‘trivial’ – it may mean a lot more to them than you realize.

3. Share the baby-care
Even when one parent is a stay-at-home parent, it’s important for the care of the baby to be shared.

Sometimes moms (this is just a generalization) can take on the ‘expert’ parent role and start to ‘take-over’ when it comes to child-care.

Even if they have the best intentions at heart, this can make their husbands feel inferior, clumsy and clueless in comparison. And as a result, dad’s confidence levels may start to drop and he may stop trying.

To avoid this from happening, mothers need to back off sometimes and let dad take the lead in caring for the baby. Find ways to include dad into routines such as baby feeding, even when he can’t do the actual breastfeeding himself.

You CAN give parenting advice to your spouse when necessary, but be gentle in the way you put it across.

Remember, there is more than one right way of doing things. If a husband feels criticized in his parenting, this will only make him even less likely to want to engage.

What Gottman found out was that sometimes dads don’t feel as much of an initial connection with their baby as mothers, until the baby develops enough to be able to interact and play.

But if they spend enough time with their baby, they will soon realize that babies are actually very interactive. So encourage time for Dad to bond and play with the baby.

And if there is one predominantly stay-at-home parent, make sure they are given the chance to take a break and re-enter the outside world every once and a while for their own sanity.

4. Make time for each other
It’s important to still make quality time with your spouse a priority after you have a baby.

Don’t let life get in the way – you can always organize babysitters to give you both a short break. Take your kids to their grandparents’ or auntie’s every once and a while for an evening or weekend.

As your children grow older and more independent, it will be easier to find time to spend with one another. As parents of a newborn, you really need to make an extra effort to fit this time in. But it will all be worth it for the health of your relationship.

Time alone with your spouse doesn’t mean you can’t talk about your children when you are together – of course it is natural for you to want to talk about them!

But be sure to find out everything else that is going on in your spouse’s life as well, and check in on how they are coping. It’s okay if you are feeling overwhelmed – every parent gets to this point at some stage.

Kiss and cuddle and celebrate the fact that you have created life together. Acknowledge how much you admire one another for everything you do for your children and for each other. Remember, you are one another’s biggest supporters.

If you and your spouse can make it through the transition to parenthood as a team who supports and nurtures one another as well as your baby, you will discover that an even deeper love exists.

Brooke Ryan
Author,
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

What to do when your spouse emotionally withdraws

When your relations with your spouse reach the point of emotional withdrawal, your marriage has entered crisis mode.

At this time, your spouse has not physically left your marriage, but it will feel as if they are not there. They have stopped making any kind of emotional investment into the marriage, leaving you feeling rejected and a million miles apart.

Where you may have previously have argued about the issues in your marriage, now your spouse does not want to engage at all. They no longer try to discuss problems or even fight to get what they want.

When your spouse withdraws like this, it’s easy for you to want to follow suit. After all, what’s the point? If your spouse is meeting none of your needs and denying your every effort to meet theirs, you might feel like giving up too.

Chances are, you’re not feeling loved or wanted by your spouse right now. And although your relationship may seem like it’s fine to people on the outside, in reality it is slowly suffocating.

You’re sleeping in separate beds, taking separate trips away and eating meals at different times. You only communicate when necessary, such as about who’s picking the children up or whether the bills have been paid.
How has your marriage reached this point?

If this emotional distance between you and your spouse has been brought on suddenly, chances are there was some significant event or incident between the two of you that has not been resolved (you probably know what this is).

However, if the deterioration in your relationship has been more gradual, there are probably a lot of smaller issues that have gone unresolved in your marriage that are finally taking their toll.

For instance, some of these common causes of emotional withdrawal may have been experienced in your marriage:

Unmet needs: When a spouse’s attempts to have their needs met by their spouse are consistently denied, they can give up hope and emotionally withdraw from their spouse. These attempts may have ranged from soft, gentle requests to angry, demanding outbursts.

Eventually the denied spouse reaches the conclusion that it is no longer worth the effort and the pain trying to get their spouse to meet their needs and they withdraw, creating emotional distance.

Lack of effort: It is easy, especially for men, to just assume that the relationship is going fine and stop putting in as much effort as they used to. They start to take their spouse for granted and stop picking up on their spouse’s signals that they are in need of care and attention.

When a spouse no longer feels that they are their spouse’s top priority, they feel rejected, unwanted and abandoned. And as a result, they emotionally withdraw from the relationship.

Lack of time: Quality time is extremely important in maintaining a healthy relationship. But what often happens is that spouses over-commit themselves to things outside their marriage and end up having no time for each other anymore.

Their days are packed full with often unnecessary things they ‘need’ to be doing and time with each other is not even on their priority lists.

Things that used to be valued about the relationship, such as having deep conversations, playing with each other and romancing no longer have a place in the couple’s busy lives.

The truth is, a marriage cannot remain healthy and rewarding when contact between spouses is limited to a hurried goodbye in the morning and a quick catch up before bed over a bowl of heated leftovers.

In a strong marriage, spouses make each other a priority and regularly make the time to discuss everything that is going on in their lives and have fun together.

Harsh treatment: Every time you or your spouse treats each other with unkindness or disrespect, you are causing each other pain. Over time, this hurt can turn into a deep wound which becomes too much to bear.

And eventually, one or both spouses withdraw.

Things like criticism, making judgments and unkindly teasing your spouse are all examples of harsh treatment.

It is important for you and your spouse to regularly look at your own behavior and consider how well you are treating each other. Each spouse needs to be treated with kindness and respect in order to maintain a healthy relationship.

Being unforgiving of one another’s wrongs: Sometimes a spouse may feel so hurt by something their spouse has said or done that they refuse to forgive them. And to avoid being hurt like this again in future, the unforgiving spouse emotionally shuts down and puts up defensive walls against their spouse.

But unfortunately, unforgiveness only leads to isolation and prevents a couple from reconnecting. Until a person is forgiven, nothing they do to try and make things right will have any effect.

To reduce the damaging effects of unforgiveness, spouses need to be willing to seek forgiveness when they have hurt each other, and offer forgiveness when their spouse has hurt them. Apologizing and forgiving are the first steps in reuniting.

Fear of talking through problems: As mentioned above, emotional withdrawal arises from having unresolved issues in your relationship. And if one or both spouses have an inability or fear of talking through their marital problems, then there is no chance of these issues being solved.

Unwillingness to bring up problems may come from a fear of your spouse’s reaction or an idea that talking about it won’t help. And it’s true, your spouse may react with anger or pain, which is hard to face.

But in order to resolve an issue in your marriage, it needs to be talked about. It IS possible to communicate and even fight about certain issues without damaging your relationship – especially when you learn to fight fairly and respectfully (without belittling or shaming one another).

But without the courage and skills needed to voice problems, the emotional distance in your marriage will continue to grow.

Living in denial: Often, when things have started to go downhill in a marriage, neither spouse wants to admit that it's happening. And usually the person truly needing to make some changes in their behavior is the most likely to deny the existence of these problems.

It’s easy to think that problems will ‘fix themselves’ or ‘go away’ over time. But living in denial doesn't fix things - it only causes the marital relationship to disintegrate to the point where the couple no longer feels love or trust.

Working through emotional withdrawal: If any of the above causes have hit home for you, you probably have some idea of the factors which have created the emotional distance between you and your spouse.

At the moment, trying to save your relationship may seem hopeless, due to your spouse’s lack of responsiveness. But identifying the root causes of your problems is a great first step.

If you are truly serious about trying to save your marriage, it is possible to get your spouse back. But in order to do this, you need to be prepared to be the one to break the ice and try to reconnect, no matter what the costs.

Don't settle for living in a distant, loveless marriage. Be the one to break the deadlock and slowly lead your spouse back into love and intimacy.

Read the steps below to find out how you can re-establish a loving connection with your spouse after emotional withdrawal:

1. Lower your own defenses.

When YOU are in the state of withdrawal, your own emotional needs cannot be met because your defenses block any love deposits your spouse tries to make.

So although you are wanting your SPOUSE to lower their defenses and let you in, you need to let your own down first. This means to stop trying to block your spouse out and start trying to reconnect with them.

Doing this does mean you are opening yourself up to potential pain. But this is an essential part of the healing process.

2. Ask your spouse if you can talk… until they agree.
It is essential that you and your spouse address the real issues that are going on in your relationship. And as your spouse is currently withdrawn, it’s up to you to make the first move in initiating this conversation.

Try to pick your timing wisely – approach your spouse when you are both in a relatively calm state of mind and are not busy doing something.

Rather than launching into the relationship conversation right then and there, ask your spouse if there is a time that the two of you can set aside to talk through your issues.

Be gentle but persistent about your desire to talk until your spouse agrees. Allow them to pick a time which will suit them, but make sure it is in the near future – you don’t want to leave it for more than a week.

3. Prepare yourself with what you want to say.
Before you have the talk, it’s important to take the time separately to think through the unresolved issues that you'll be discussing. This will ensure that every issue between you and your spouse will be brought up and addressed.

Think about your own concerns in the relationship and the needs you have which currently aren’t being met, but also think about the aspects of your behavior that YOU feel that you could improve.

Right now, you are feeling abandoned by your spouse, and it’s easy to identify all of the needs that they are not meeting of yours. But you also need to ask yourself a tough question: What have I done to drive my spouse away?

In asking yourself these questions, you are identifying what you need from your spouse but you are also taking ownership of any of your own wrongdoings in the relationship.

Writing down these thoughts down may help you to prepare, but even if you choose to just think them through, make sure you are prepared to be completely open and honest with your spouse in what you have to say.

4. Communicate with honesty and respect.
When it comes time to have your discussion with your spouse, the approach to take is to be direct but gentle.

This means expressing your true feelings and thoughts to your spouse, but doing this in the most gentle and respectful way possible.

It is okay to communicate that you have been hurt by some aspects of your spouse’s behavior, but make sure you do this without criticizing them as a PERSON or laying down a lot of blame.

Instead, try to use “I” statements, such as; “I feel really unwanted when you come to bed and roll over to face the wall without talking to me or touching me. I miss how we used to cuddle and kiss before bed”.

This kind of statement will come across a lot better than a “blaming” statement, such as; “You always just turn away from me when you come to bed. You never touch or kiss me anymore”.

That doesn’t mean to say that your spouse might not still react with some defensiveness, but at least they will understand your feelings about this issue and why it is upsetting you.

Neither of you has anything to gain by holding back your true feelings. Remember, it is unresolved issues which lead to emotional withdrawal. So be sure to get all of your true feelings out on the table, and be prepared to listen to your spouse’s.

If your spouse starts to get upset, don't allow yourself to rise to their words of pain or anger. Instead, try to remain calm and show that you are prepared to listen to everything they have to say. You may disagree with some of your spouse’s viewpoints, but their feelings are real and should not be dismissed.

And if your spouse brings up an aspect of YOUR behavior which has been hurting them, which you know yourself is not good enough, accept responsibility for this and apologize. Lead the way in showing your spouse that it is okay to admit you’ve done wrong.

Be sure to talk through all of the major issues in your relationship and ask each other any tough questions you have been pondering – no matter how hard it is to hear your spouse’s answers.

And if everything gets a bit heavy at some point, you can take a break to cool down as long as you both agree to continue.

Regardless of who may be more at fault for what has gone wrong, you are both equally responsible for repairing of your marriage.

5. Take steps towards meeting your spouse’s unmet needs.
Now that you and your spouse have talked, you have the ability to lead the way in taking action and making changes to your own behavior, in order to start meeting your spouse’s needs.

Make sure you fully understand the needs that your spouse was expressing through their side of your relationship discussion. From here, you can think of ways in which you can start to meet those needs and show your love and care.

For instance, by reducing any behaviors which were hurting your spouse, and starting to do the things your spouse wants or needs more from you in the relationship.

Make your spouse your number one priority right now.

There are changes your spouse will need to make too, but even if they are not prepared to make these straight away, they can’t stop you from taking the steps that YOU need to take.

In order for you and your spouse to regain your connection, you each do need to be prepared to make apologies and offer forgiveness for the things that have gone wrong in your relationship. By leading the way in doing this, you are guiding your spouse to do the same.

6. Nurture your relationship.
Closing the emotional gap and re-establishing your connection with your spouse will be a gradual process that takes time and effort.

You need to agree to make your relationship a priority and spend some quality time together. Now is a good time to make room for your spouse in your schedule by clearing out all of the unnecessary commitments which take up your day-to-day life.

You may have been living virtually separate lives lately, but it’s time to start taking steps to merge them together again. For instance, by making a point of having breakfast and dinner together.

Step out of the eye-for-an-eye mindset and instead focus on giving. The more you give to your spouse, the more you will start receiving. Small gestures of warmth, kindness, and efforts to rekindle the romance between you will go a long way in reconnecting with your spouse.

For example, making the chocolate brownie you used to make for your spouse when you were first dating. Or taking initiative and giving your house, garden or bedroom a spruce up to show that you care about the environment that you and your spouse share.

7. Choose to love unconditionally.
You cannot control your spouse's behavior, but you can control your own. Regardless of how your spouse is acting towards you, you can choose to always treat them with love.

Remember, love is a CHOICE, and true love involves loving someone completely - for all of their assets and their flaws.

Loving your spouse unconditionally is not easy to do when they are not reciprocating, but this is what will truly show your spouse that you are serious about saving your marriage.

Eventually, your unconditional love will melt down your spouse’s emotional defenses.

Brooke Ryan
Author,
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

Overcoming addiction in your marriage

Is a drug addiction tearing your family apart? Do you suspect that your spouse may have become addicted to alcohol or drugs? Are you sick of the lies, the deceit and the pain?

Drug abuse is an ugly disease that even the most virtuous and highest achieving people in our society can fall victim to.

And unfortunately, this means some marriages also fall victim to drug abuse. When a spouse develops an alcohol or drug addiction, this usually has devastating effects on their marriage and family life.

Although there are many other types of harmful addictions a person can have (e.g. gambling), today we are going to specifically be focusing on drug abuse and what you can do if your spouse is an addict.
However, if your spouse is struggling with another type of harmful addiction, you may also find the advice in this article helpful.

How does addiction start?

Drug and alcohol abuse affects men and women in our society from all walks of life – no country, age group or socio-economic class is free from it.

Often addiction arises after drugs are used as a coping mechanism. Alcohol, recreational or prescription drugs may be used to start with as a way to ‘take the edge off’, reduce pain or ‘have a little fun’ – especially if the drug user is going through a rough patch in their lives.

But then these addictive substances start being relied upon. Chemical changes take place in the drug user’s brain, making them crave the release and euphoria the drug gives. They start being unable to receive the same kind of release from other sources of pleasure in their lives.

Once addicted, being able to keep taking the drug/s becomes such a priority to a user that he or she is willing to neglect their friends, family, faith, responsibilities and even physical health in order to keep it up.

This is not simply just a mental CHOICE the drug addict makes – their whole physiological system is affected by the addictive drug, making it near impossible to resist. Once these changes have taken place, withdrawal from the drug can cause the addict to feel extremely ill, weak and depressed.

Soon, the drug use starts to cause conflict in the drug addict’s family relationships. They will begin to fight with their spouse about their drug use, which causes a lot of tension at home.

And often to deal with this conflict, the addict again turns to drugs to take the edge off. And thus it becomes a vicious and self-perpetuating cycle.

Signs your spouse is abusing drugs:

Often you will notice some changes in your spouse’s physical appearance when they start to abuse drugs. They may lose or gain weight suddenly, look more dishevelled and have a lower level of personal hygiene. Their eyes may often be bloodshot, with smaller or larger pupils than usual.

Their appetite and sleeping patterns may change, and often there will be a drop in their attendance and performance at work. You may notice unusual smells on their breath or body, and they may show signs of physical tremors, impaired coordination and slurred speech.

Your spouse may have a sudden need for money and try to withdraw it without you noticing. You may also notice that they are spending time with different people or in different places. Or alternatively, that they are not spending time with their old friends.

Their general behavior will become more secretive and they may start getting into trouble with the law or within their social groups (e.g. getting into fights).

You may notice an unexplained change in your spouse’s personality or attitude. They may have sudden mood swings, during which they become excessively angry, irritable, giddy or hyperactive.

You could also notice a drop in your spouse’s general levels of motivation and they may appear more tired or spaced out than usual. They may also appear anxious, paranoid or fearful for no apparent reason.

Does this sound like your spouse? Continue below to find out the steps you can take to try to help your spouse to recover from their drug addiction and save your marriage.

How addiction harms a marriage:

When a spouse starts to abuse drugs, it begins to affect every aspect of the marriage. A relationship that used to be based on trust becomes poisoned with lies, deceit and excuses.

When a spouse starts to protect their addiction more strongly than their marriage and family, relationships disintegrate. The drug abuser cannot be relied upon to be a safe parent, or a supportive spouse. Suddenly, the drug abuser’s spouse finds themselves struggling to cope with the workload of two.

Drug addiction takes quality time away from a marriage and creates emotional distance between a husband and wife. Because the alcohol or drug use may not be tolerated at home, the addicted spouse will often spend time engaging in this behavior elsewhere.

Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for verbal or physical abuse to go hand-in-hand with drug addiction. But even when this is not present, the behavior of an addicted spouse can make normal married life impossible.

Their inconsistent, unreliable, erratic and sometimes dangerous behavior can cause their spouse to feel a huge amount of stress and sense of powerlessness over the situation.

Due to the common misguided stereotype that only ‘bad people’ and ‘low lives’ become addicted to drugs, addiction can bring many feelings of shame to a drug abuser’s family.

As a result, the married couple or family may start to isolate themselves from friends and family in order to try and hide the problem. This means that at a time when they need it most, the drug addict’s spouse often feels that they have no social support.

Addictions can also put huge financial strain on a marriage. The addict may start withdrawing money from the couple’s accounts to spend on drugs. They also may stop bringing in income due to lack of attendance at work, being fired or spending time in rehab.

Basically, drug addiction can quickly break down the foundations of even the strongest relationship, and steps need to be taken towards change in order to prevent the marriage from cracking under pressure.

It’s important to keep in mind when trying to help your spouse who has fallen prey to drug dependency that it is going to be a long road to recovery, as addiction is a physiological problem that takes more than simply a desire to get better to fix.

But don’t give up hope – if you can be strong and commit yourself to doing everything you can to help your spouse, you will get through this together.

Steps YOU can take to help your drug-addicted spouse:

1. Above all, always make sure you and your children are safe.
If you or your children are being physically, verbally or emotionally abused by your spouse, or feel endangered in any other way, remove yourselves from your home environment immediately and go somewhere you will be safe.

Call the police and also tell someone you can trust about what is going on. Seeking help about an abusive spouse does not mean you don’t love them. It means you are taking the necessary steps to protect yourself and your family.

2. Stop any behaviors enabling your spouse’s addiction.
One of the first essential steps you need to take in helping your spouse is to stop any of your own behavior which is actually enabling your spouse’s drug addiction to continue.

For instance, if your spouse is an alcoholic, you need to stop drinking yourself. Because even though your own drinking may be controlled, you are still encouraging your spouse’s drinking behavior by showing that you are keeping up a relationship with the drug yourself.

You have to set an example and cut these things from your OWN life if you want your spouse to take you seriously.

You also need to stop making excuses for your spouse or covering for them when they aren’t able to make commitments due to their problem.

For instance, when they are too hungover to go to work or look after the kids. Calling in sick for them or making other excuses is just enabling their behavior to continue.

Once your spouse realizes that you are no longer a partner in their disease, they will be left with the options of either accepting help or progressing in their disease ALONE.

3. Get informed.
Gain knowledge about addiction, how it works and the treatment options available in your area.

Having knowledge about the treatment options available for the drug addiction your spouse has will help to prepare you for supporting your spouse in the best possible way, as well as giving your spouse a firm ultimatum about getting rehab.

I highly recommend that you also find out about the drug addiction support groups in your area. You may be surprised to find that there are many support groups available, to both the drug users themselves and also their families.

Support groups are not only valuable sources of information about addiction and treatment, they are also great sources of social support - from people who are going through the same struggles as yourself.

4. Reach out for help.
Don’t keep addiction a secret for the sake of trying to protect your family. Your spouse has a disease and he or she needs help.

As mentioned above, a drug or alcohol support group could be an amazing therapeutic tool for both you and your spouse right now.

You also deserve all of the help and support you can get. Even though opening up to others is hard and you risk their possible comments and judgments, you need to tap into your inner strength and realize that this step is necessary in order to help your spouse.

Turn to the people in your life who have always been there for you and love you unconditionally and let them know what is going on. Sharing your struggles will actually come as a great relief, and these people you trust can help to lift your load.

Spending some time outside of your home right now, with people who are healthy and positive is crucial to your well-being.

Remember, every person and every marriage has problems – you are not alone.

5. Give your spouse an ultimatum.
If your spouse’s drug addiction is continuing despite your many requests for them to stop, you need to gather your inner strength and give your spouse a clear ultimatum.

Tell your spouse that you love them and want to help them, but that things cannot stay the way they are. Either they agree to receive rehabilitation treatment with your support, or you are going to move out.

While you can't force your spouse into recovery unless they want it, you can give them the alternatives. But bear in mind you need to be prepared to follow through with these, as idle threats will only make the problem worse.

At this point, your spouse may get defensive or angry, but you need to be prepared to distance yourself from them if they are not prepared to accept help. This may be what they need to make them realize the severity of their behavior.

Don’t give up and keep offering your help to your spouse, but do also be firm with the boundaries you set.

When your spouse is being a danger to themselves, to you, or to your children, this is a situation where ‘tough love’ can be necessary.

6. Support your spouse through treatment.
If your spouse decides to accept that they do have a problem and need help, you and your spouse can start the process of healing by seeking professional substance abuse counseling together.

Research has shown that involving the addict’s spouse in the treatment at necessary stages is very important in helping the treatment to succeed.

Encourage your spouse and recognize the efforts they are making towards recovery, which are likely to be extremely hard for them both mentally and physically.

7. Repair your marriage.
Drug rehab is likely to be an essential step in saving a marriage suffering from addiction problems.

However, even after treatment for addiction, you and your spouse need your marital problems (outside of the addiction) to be addressed and treated, in order for true healing and reconnecting to take place.

If your marital problems are not tackled at the same time as the drug treatment, they could hinder your spouse’s progress and contribute to any later relapses in their drug use.

Both you and your spouse need to be treating each other gently right now and allowing the time to learn to love, trust and take care of one another again.

Getting through a drug addiction in your marriage will be extremely tough. But the marriages which do make it through to the other side have the opportunity to come out stronger and closer than ever before.

Brooke Ryan
Writer,
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

Saving Your Marriage On Your Own

Does this sound like you?

You’ve had ongoing problems in your marriage for a while now. The same issues seem to be argued about over and over, and the atmosphere between you and your spouse is frosty at best.

The thing is, while YOU want to work through your problems and get your marriage back to a happier place, your spouse is not interested. He or she thinks there is nothing wrong with their behavior, and that everything that has gone wrong with the marriage is entirely your fault.

They have become emotionally distant and unwilling to even TRY to talk things through. They may have even walked out on you, saying that they “need space” or that they are “not in love with you anymore”.

You live in constant anxiety about whether your spouse is really going to leave and are continuously walking on eggshells, in fear of being attacked. And when you try to express YOUR needs to them your spouse just gets defensive and nothing changes.

You may have suggested marital counselling, but your spouse was not interested. You’ve read self-help books, but your spouse is unwilling to go through the exercises with you. You feel completely lost and have no idea of where to go to from here.

What can you do in this impossible situation?

If you are committed to saving your marriage, even in the face of hardship and resistance, this is a great thing. This means that you have not given up and still have love left for your spouse. Because once you give up and let go of hope, there is nothing left to prevent your divorce from happening.

Trying to save your marriage alone will involve a lot of courage and some self-sacrifice. It is going to be hard work. It is going to involve some change. And it is going to take time.

But it CAN be done with determination and perseverance.

Read below to find out the steps to getting your distant spouse to break down their walls and give your marriage another try.

1. Stop

You’ve probably been in battle mode for a while now. But constantly butting heads with your spouse hasn’t worked and it’s time to change your approach. You’re not in the frontline anymore.

It’s time to stop fighting and allow yourself to gain the strength and resources you need to rethink the situation and try again. You need time to clear your head and regain your emotional resources.

Living under constant stress takes a lot out of you, and makes you fight with desperation rather than with reason and logic.

Try repeating some self-loving affirmations to yourself during this time, such as:

“I love myself for who I am”
“I am a kind and generous person”
‘I have a lot to give to others”
“I am a loving spouse”
“I am a strong person”.

2. Identify what it is that is driving your marriage apart

Once you have self-soothed and calmed down enough in order to be able to think clearly, it’s time to think through the marital problems you are having and try to identify the underlying causes of these.

Identifying the causes of the problems in your marriage can be difficult, especially if your spouse is unwilling to open up and share his or her feelings with you.

However, there are some things that you can do by yourself to start making the groundwork for mending your marital problems and finding out what is really upsetting your spouse.

Try to be more observant on what is going on between the two of you. When is it that your spouse seems to get the most angry or distant? Is there a major theme in your arguments? A particular topic that keeps coming up? For example, sex, money, housework, or not feeling cared for?

Perhaps yours and your spouse’s views on a topic are to do with differences in the values and lessons you learned through your childhood experiences - or simply differences in your personalities. For more information, see Facing gridlock in your marriage conflict?

At this time, it’s also important to get in touch with your own needs. What is it that makes YOU really angry or upset in your marriage? Why is this? What is it you are needing from your spouse?

It’s important to understand what it is you are needing, in order to be able to express these needs rationally to your spouse, without firing weapons like anger and contempt.

However, also bear in mind that because you are the one trying to save your marriage, you may need to place your spouse’s needs at a higher importance to your own right now.

Once they are back on board, they will be a lot more receptive to understanding and taking steps to meet your needs. But for now, focus on listening and being responsive to what your spouse is needing from you.

3. Listen to your spouse

When you have identified the root of the problems in your relationship, it’s time to try to initiate talk with your spouse about these issues, and listen openly to what they have to say. This is an essential part of the problem-solving process.

In order to be able to reduce negative emotions towards each other and come to a solution or compromise, you need to take a step back and consider things from your spouse’s perspective.

The first thing when approaching this situation is to let your own defensive barriers down. Because when we are in defense mode, often a person’s words get distorted by our own feelings and biases.

Hearing your spouse out, even when it hurts, is probably one of the biggest challenges in saving your marriage on your own. By doing this, you are opening yourself up to more potential pain - i’s extremely hard to hear your flaws and mistakes being pointed out to you.

However, it’s essential that you are able to listen to all of what your spouse has to say, without retaliating, if you want to save your marriage.

Your spouse might be angry in this discussion, but if you can be strong and not rise to their anger, eventually their fuse will become burnt out and they will calm down enough to talk about things more rationally. This is a necessary part of the healing process.

So using a calm, soft and unguarded approach, ask your spouse to share his or her thoughts on the current issues you are facing in your marriage. Let them know you WANT to listen to all they have to say.

When your spouse is talking, try to identify what their NEEDS are that they feel aren’t being met. Are they feeling neglected in some way? Why is it that they feel so strongly about a certain issue?

Make sure you understand everything your spouse says, and ask for clarification if you need it. For instance, ask them if they can help you to further understand how something you do (or don’t do) makes them feel.

Avoid blaming, judging or criticizing your spouse for what they have to say. Although you may think that some things are unfair, there will be a reason that your spouse is feeling upset by it. None of us are perfect, and part of being in a marriage is continuous personal growth.

Sometimes we do things that annoy or hurt the people close to us without even realizing it, and it takes a lot of guts to take this on board. In a healthy marriage, both spouses need to be open to taking on each other’s advice and using it to become a better self and relationship partner.

If you find your spouse is completely unwilling to talk even after trying different approaches, go straight to Step 4.

4. Take a look at what is hurting the ‘we’ component of your marriage

A marriage involves three components; the ‘we’, which is you and your spouse as a couple and how you relate to each other, the ‘me’, which is yourself as an individual and how you relate to yourself, and the ‘spouse’, which is your spouse as an individual.

When trying to save your marriage alone, you have the ability to make positive changes to both the ‘we’ and ‘me’ components of your marriage.

Firstly, focus on the ‘we’ component. Is there anything in your lives at the moment that is working directly against the ‘we’ in your marriage? Take into account anything your spouse has told you is upsetting them.

For example, perhaps you currently have conflicting work hours which have majorly reduced your time together. Or maybe you are under financial pressure because of debt and overspending.

How could these roadblocks be reduced or removed? Are you in a position to be able to change your shifts at work to be more compatible with your spouse’s, or would a change in job be a viable option?

Can you identify ways in which your household expenses could be reduced? Perhaps you could get professional financial advice from your bank in order to be able to work out a manageable budget.

As well as the practical issues, it’s also important to look at how the emotional wounds between you and your spouse can be healed.

Both you and your spouse have emotional needs which currently aren’t being met. In order to try and save your marriage alone, you need to re-learn how to meet your spouse’s emotional needs.

The key to identifying what your spouse’s unmet emotional needs are lies in what they have expressed to you during your marital discussions and conflicts.

For instance, their complaints about your sex life may be expressing that their need for physical affection is not being met. A complaint about your long work hours may be expressing that their need for quality time is not being met.

Although the practical issues in your marriage may need to be addressed first, you can start to formulate a plan as to how you can take little steps towards making your spouse feel loved again, in the ways that they need.

As you are doing this, think about the things that you do still love about your spouse. Trying to fill yourself with loving feelings, despite the current turmoil in your marriage, will help you relate to your spouse better.

Think also about the things that have brought you closer together in the past, and how you could use similar strategies at this time.

5. Identify ways to improve the ‘me’ component of your marriage

The next step is to identify what you can do to work on the ‘me’ component. When you make positive changes to yourself, this has benefits for the ‘we’. By learning to relate to yourself better, you also learn to relate to your spouse better.

Firstly, by getting rid of any negative thought patterns or beliefs that have taken hold in your mind. In order to be loved by others, we have to learn to love ourselves first. When we do not love ourselves, we RELY on positive feedback from others to feel good about ourselves and maintain a positive self-image.

This is not a healthy way to be, as it means than when our close relationships are in conflict, our self-image crashes. Which means we have very little emotional resources to work with and start reacting out of fear and desperation.

Self-deprecating thoughts will only hold you and your marriage back. In fact, what we believe about ourselves becomes our reality. So if you think that you are powerless, unattractive and boring, you will BECOME powerless, unattractive and boring.

But if you choose to IGNORE these thoughts and instead focus on your strengths and attractive features, such as your caring personality, great smile and good sense of humor, you will naturally start to become a more positive person who others want to be around.

In a marriage, it’s important to always still have your own goals and interests. Personal goals give us a sense of purpose in life, and help to keep us satisfied and well-rounded as individuals. Unfortunately, it is easy to let these slide when you become wrapped up in everything that is going wrong in your life.

Have a realistic think about what your relationship was like when you and your spouse first got together. What were the things that attracted your spouse to you? What has he or she always said they love about you?

You may have grown older, but are you still that same person today? Do you still have those qualities? How could you enhance or develop your positive qualities?

Are there any aspects of your behavior, lifestyle, or appearance you could improve? If you are constantly stressed, tired, or not giving your body the nutrients it needs, you can lose the parts of yourself which others love about you.

Perhaps it may be time to consider a lifestyle change. For instance, a reduction or increase in work hours, a change to a healthier diet, taking up a new interest, or giving up a bad habit such as smoking.

6. Show your spouse you’re serious about change

Once you’ve taken a good look at the root causes of your marital problems and what is holding you back from being the best spouse you can be, it’s time to take action.

If there are any immediate changes you can make, get right onto making these happen. And come back to your spouse with any further proposals of change you have come up with, which you believe will help your marriage.

Even if your spouse doesn’t think these changes will make a difference, go ahead and start making them anyway. By showing your spouse how far you’re willing to go to make positive changes in your marriage, you may just change their mind about whether it can be saved.

For instance, say you’ve promised to your spouse that you are going to cut down on your work or other outside commitments in order to be able to spend more quality time with the family and doing chores at home.

Your spouse may say that it’s too late and this won’t make a difference, but if they actually see you go ahead with it you may really take them by surprise – it make be these actions, rather than your words, which will finally make them believe.

7. Stay positive

Trying to save marriage alone can feel like you’re fighting a losing battle, but if you just keep trying and don’t give up, you will eventually see results.

It’s really important to stay positive and keep up hope. If your current approach isn’t working, try a new one. Pull back a little, or push harder. Don’t give up on trying to figure out exactly what is upsetting your spouse, as there may be something you have overlooked.

The truth is, you probably will face resistance from your spouse along the way. But this doesn’t mean that part of them is not still open to reconciliation. They just need may need more time, more convincing and more solid proof of your commitment to saving your marriage.

If you keep trying to open conversation with your spouse in new ways, you may eventually have a breakthrough and find they finally open up to you, or react to something you’ve done or said.

If your spouse is still reacting with emotion, take this as a good thing. It is when they become completely disengaged emotionally from your marriage that it becomes a lot harder to win back their love.

Working on yourself and your own goals will help you to feel positive and give you the strength you need to fight for your marriage. If you let your marriage problems consume your life and give up on all of the things that you enjoy during this time, you will soon find you don’t have the mental or emotional resources to keep trying.

Keep working on yourself, and maintain a positive and resilient outlook. This is important because it shows your spouse that you truly believe your marriage can be saved. And as you’re fighting for the both of you right now, if you give up, all hope may be lost.

By doing all that you can to try and save your marriage, you will grow as an individual and as a relationship partner.

And at the end of the day, if you find that your marriage was not able to be salvaged, you will be able to take comfort in the fact that you did EVERYTHING you could to try and save it on your own. There will be no regrets about giving up too soon.

Brooke Ryan
Author
SaveMyMarriageToday.com

What Sex Says About Your Marriage

Lucy and Chris roll off each other, sighing with pleasure and feeling like a weight has been lifted from their shoulders. They embrace and kiss each other goodnight before falling into contented sleep.

Angela rolls away to face the wall as Mack gets into bed. They don’t touch or speak and lay awake in an uneasy silence until eventually they drift off into a restless sleep.

Has your sex life (or lack of) started to mimic Angela and Mack’s?

When we are having problems in our relationship, or are feeling a lot of stress from problems in our personal or work lives, our sex life usually takes a hit.

And hey, it’s natural for sex to be the last thing you feel like doing after you’ve just had another bitter argument with your spouse, or are feeling a lack of their support.

Unfortunately, lack of sex can not only be a result of other relationship problems, it can also become a problem in itself.

Sex fulfills some deep emotional needs, and going without it for some time can leave your love bank empty and desperate for attention.

Sex works to increase closeness between a couple not only on a physical level, but also at a mental level.

When you make love, chemicals called oxytoxin and serotonin are released in your brain, which increase loving feelings, give you that wondrous release from stress and make you feel on top of the world.

When you are maintaining a fulfilling sex life, relationship problems seem less threatening and it is easier to work through these as a team.

This is because through making love you make significant deposits into each other’s emotional bank accounts, giving you the energy and strength you need to be able to face any stressful relationship or life problems.

Unfortunately, it is easy to fall into a negative loop where the more you and your spouse fight and withdraw from one another, the less you have sex, the more unwanted and neglected you feel, and the more likely you are to keep hurting each other as a result.

When a relationship problem is dwindling your sexual desire…

Sex is an important way of expressing your love, and when it’s not happening, chances are you and your spouse are going to be feeling quite distant from each other.

This is why it’s so important to identify the reasons behind any lack of sexual desire, especially if it is due to one of your emotional needs not being fulfilled.

You need to let your spouse know what you need from them in order to feel desire for sex again. Chances are, they are going to be very motivated to work on whatever needs fixing in order to make you feel loved.

But if you deny them sex without letting them know what is really going on, they are going to feel intense pain and rejection, and may put up a defensive wall as a result.

Sex is a sensitive matter, and being rejected without knowing the reason behind it can make someone feel really insecure, undesirable and unwanted.

If your spouse has hurt or offended you in some way, you need to communicate this to them. This way, they will understand that your lack of interest in sex right now is not because you’re not attracted to them, it’s because you’re feeling a lack of love and appreciation.

As an example, studies have consistently shown that married couples have a more satisfying sex life when they share the housework evenly. In particular, wives can show significant increases or declines in their desire for sex depending on their husband’s willingness to pitch in at home.

Why is shared housework so important for women’s desire? Because when husbands help out, their wives feel supported and loved, which increases their desire for intimacy.

of course, in a practical sense, less time doing housework means more time and energy to spend between the sheets.

When there are differences in your sex drive…

If your spouse has a lower sex drive than you, you need to respect this and accept that you may not have sex quite as often as you would like. Often, it is the case that wives report having a lower sex drive than their husbands (although it can be the other way around, of course).

if you are the spouse with the lower sex drive, you do need to also respect your spouse’s sexual needs. If possible, you should try to make sex a higher priority in your day-to-day life, and let your spouse know if there is anything they can do to help to fuel your desire.

It’s also important that you are able to openly discuss the topic of masturbation in your marriage, especially if there are differences in your sex drive. For instance, letting each other know that you are supportive of masturbation if only one of you happens to be in the mood for sex.

This can help to make each person feel that their sexual needs are being supported and understood, relieve pressure on the person who has a lower sex drive, and reduce any feelings of guilt around masturbation for the person with the higher sex drive.

It’s also important to make sure that when you ARE both in the mood for sex you really make the most of it, so it is exciting and fulfilling for both of you. The quality of the love-making can mean a lot more than the quantity.

In fact, having sex without showing any enjoyment of it can knock your spouse’s self-esteem just as much as saying no to sex.

And if you are finding that there are practical issues holding you back from feeling in the mood for sex, such as too many chores to get done, childcare, or general fatigue, let your spouse know what you are struggling with, so that they can find ways to help.

When the sex isn’t as good as you want it to be…

Don't let the topic of sex go untalked about because it’s too hard to bring up. At the end of the day, improving your sex life is only going to be beneficial for your relationship.

It’s important that you and your spouse feel safe and comfortable enough to express your sexual desires to one another, without the fear of being judged. Both of you need to be prepared to respect each other’s wants and needs, and the fact that these may differ from your own.

Once you’ve been able to openly discuss these desires with one another, you will be in a good position to come up with a plan of how to best meet each other’s needs, without either of you feeling uncomfortable. Just be very gentle with each other, as egos may be on the line.

Remember, the goal of sex is to maintain intimacy and closeness, have fun, and feel satisfied and valued. As it is such a sensitive area of your marriage, be sure to avoid ever criticizing your spouse for their sexual desires or performance.

It’s always going to be more effective to show your spouse praise and appreciation for something you do enjoy them doing, rather than complaining about something they are not doing.

For instance, saying “I love it when you hugged me in the kitchen the other day. I’d love more of your hugs and kisses like that, it makes me feel so good”, rather than “You barely ever touch me outside of the bedroom”.

Rather than taking offence to any of your spouse’s sexual requests, try to think of these as your spouse reaching out and trying to connect with you. By expressing their desires, they are giving you a key to what makes them feel loved and fulfilled.

If you feel you can meet your spouse’s requests, or do at least want to give them a try, go for it – this will go a long way in making your spouse feel valued and loved.

Of course, if there’s anything you really don’t feel comfortable with, this is totally okay. Just be sure to let your spouse know gently that although you respect their sexual desires, you do not feel comfortable engaging in this particular act, or it does not feel good for you.

Your spouse should respect your wishes, and appreciate the fact that you at least considered their sexual desires. And I’m sure that there are plenty of other ways in which they can still feel satisfied and fulfilled in your sex life.

When you don’t feel attractive, you don’t feel sexy

Physical attraction is a key element fuelling sexual desire, and it is important to try your best to maintain your health, hygiene and appearance.

Looking your best will not only make you feel good, it can have great effects on your relationship and your sex life. Your spouse will really appreciate the effort you put into looking after yourself and wanting to be sexually desirable to them.

Think about the signals you are sending your spouse through the way you present yourself.

If you have bad breath, haven’t bothered to brush your hair, and are wearing an old faded t-shirt with stains down the front, do you think this is saying to your spouse “I want to have sex?” I don’t think so.

you feel that you need to make some changes to your lifestyle in order to become more healthy, don’t be scared to admit this to your spouse. They will probably be highly supportive of you, and together you can work out a plan to allow more time for exercise and cooking healthier meals.

Even if your husband or wife is struggling with an aspect of their appearance such as excess weight, it is important that you still give them regular compliments on their physical attributes you do find attractive and sexy.

Because often a lot of the way we feel about ourselves comes from how we are viewed in our spouse’s eyes. And when we feel that our spouse finds us attractive, we feel sexy.

To spice things up and really show your spouse that you care, why not try buying some new lingerie or underwear to wear in the bedroom, or a new fragrance? Or better yet, buying some scented massage oil to pay them some special attention?

If things have got a bit tedious in the bedroom, giving your spouse a sexy surprise such as new alluring lingerie will be an instant turn-on, and could be the key to giving your sex life the boost it needs.

Brooke Ryan
Author.
SaveMyMarriageToday.com